During a recent session, Henry, a white British male client in his late 30s, shared a concern that had been quietly troubling him for months. He described feeling increasingly disconnected from his long-term partner, Amara, a British-born woman of African heritage. (Names and personal details have been changed to protect confidentiality.) In fact, Henry was at the point of questioning whether they “would ever see eye to eye on this” and considered breaking up. Despite five years together, their once-thriving relationship now felt strained. Henry couldn’t pinpoint why, but he described an emotional distance had built up between them that hadn’t been there before.

As we talked, Henry revealed that he and Amara had always prided themselves on being “colourblind.” Talking about race and cultural differences was “not something we do”.  They had decided that focusing on their love for one another was all that mattered. However, through our sessions, Henry began to see that their ignorance of differences was the driving force in several arguments which had created division between them, rather than harmony. 

This is a pattern I’ve seen often, especially in interracial couples. The well-intentioned belief in “colourblindness” – the idea that race doesn’t matter or shouldn’t be acknowledged – can unintentionally invalidate the lived experiences of one or both partners. As Robin DiAngelo highlights in White Fragility, avoiding discussions about race often reflects discomfort rather than true equality, and it can lead to unintended harm in relationships.

What Is “Colourblindness” in Relationships?

“Colourblindness” refers to the notion of ignoring racial or cultural differences in an attempt to treat everyone equally. While this approach might seem ideal on the surface, it often dismisses the unique experiences, challenges, and identities that come with those differences.

In relationships, this can mean avoiding conversations about race, culture, or privilege out of fear of conflict or a desire to protect the relationship. For Henry and Amara, it meant they never explored how their backgrounds shaped their views on family, conflict, or even how they experienced the world. Over time, the lack of dialogue became a source of quiet disconnection.

Why “Colourblindness” Can Be Harmful

1. It Dismisses Identity

For partners from marginalised racial or cultural groups, avoiding conversations about race can feel like a denial of an essential part of their identity. While one partner may feel that love is enough, the other may experience their silence as invalidation or erasure of their lived experiences.

2. It Blocks Emotional Intimacy

True intimacy requires vulnerability, and vulnerability comes from being seen and understood in all aspects of who you are. Ignoring race or culture creates a gap where important conversations about identity, privilege, and values could take place.

3. It Reinforces Power Dynamics

White individuals often have the privilege of ignoring race because they don’t experience the same systemic inequities. This dynamic can inadvertently manifest in interracial relationships when one partner avoids race-related topics while the other carries the emotional burden alone.

4. It Perpetuates Avoidance

When couples avoid discussions about race or cultural differences, they miss opportunities to address misunderstandings and conflicts head-on. Over time, unspoken tensions can erode trust and connection, and land the couple in a mutual blame game. 

Steps Toward Building Connection

If you and your partner have been navigating your relationship through the lens of “colourblindness,” it’s never too late to start having meaningful conversations. Here are some steps to help you move toward greater understanding and connection:

1. Acknowledge the Elephant in the Room

Start by admitting that race and culture are important aspects of your relationship. Simply naming the issue can open the door to deeper dialogue. For Henry, this meant telling Amara:

“I realise now that I’ve avoided conversations about race because I didn’t know how to have them. But I want to understand your experiences better.” 

2. Educate Yourself

It’s not your partner’s job to teach you everything about race or culture. Take initiative by reading books like White Fragility or exploring works by authors like Ijeoma Oluo (So You Want to Talk About Race). Educating yourself shows your commitment to the relationship and your partner’s reality.

3. Listen Without Defensiveness

When your partner shares their experiences, listen to understand rather than say something about it. Henry realised that when Amara brought up microaggressions she’d faced at work, his tendency to downplay them (saying things like, “Are you sure it wasn’t just a misunderstanding?”) made himself feel better but left her feeling unsupported.

Instead, validate their feelings by saying something like: “That sounds really difficult. Thank you for sharing that with me.”

4. Reflect on Your Privilege

As Robin DiAngelo highlights, understanding privilege isn’t about feeling guilty-it’s about recognising how societal systems have shaped your perspective. Reflect on how your upbringing, race, or culture influences your expectations and behaviours in the relationship. 

5. Explore Each Other’s Stories

Ask questions about your partner’s cultural values, family traditions, and experiences growing up. Share your own stories, too. For Henry and Amara, talking about their childhoods helped them understand how their family histories shaped their expectations around gender roles, money, and parenting. Finally, they were able to have some tough conversations and come to some good compromises. 

6. Embrace the Discomfort

Talking about race and culture might feel awkward or deeply uncomfortable at first, but growth comes from stepping outside your comfort zone. Remember, these conversations are about deepening your connection-not about being “right.”

Reflections to Try Together

To get started, consider discussing or journaling these prompts with your partner:

• What messages did you receive about race and culture growing up?
• How has your cultural background shaped your values and expectations in relationships?
• How do you experience privilege or discrimination in your daily life, and how does it affect you?
• What can we do to honour and celebrate our cultural differences in this relationship?

For Henry and Amara, these reflections became a turning point. Henry learned to approach conversations about race with humility, while Amara began to feel seen and valued in ways she hadn’t before. 

Interracial relationships, like all relationships, require intentional effort to thrive. Ignoring race and culture might feel easier in the short term, but it can leave unspoken tensions to fester. By embracing these conversations with curiosity and courage, you not only deepen your connection but also honour the fullness of each other’s humanity.

Growth requires discomfort. The more we’re willing to lean into these dialogues in our ever more global society, the closer we come to creating relationships rooted in understanding, empathy, and love.

If this article resonates with you and you would like to find out how we can help you or your organisation become a great communicators, schedule a confidential enquiry call today! Veronika Kloucek, Senior Psychotherapist, Trainer, Coach

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