Veronika Kloucek

Relational Psychotherapy

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Category: Article

  • Vulnerability Is Not Weakness: Why Letting Yourself Be Seen Changes Therapy

    Vulnerability Is Not Weakness: Why Letting Yourself Be Seen Changes Therapy

    Vulnerability is one of those words therapy has taken over and slightly worn out. People hear it and think of tears, or oversharing, or the kind of confession that comes after two glasses of wine. It is none of those things, or at least not mainly.

    Real vulnerability is something quieter and harder. It is the willingness to put down the arrangements you have made around a feeling, long enough for the feeling itself to come into the room. Not all at once, and not for everyone. Just enough, with the right person, for something honest to happen.

    Most of the people I meet in the consulting room are not afraid of being seen. They are afraid of the feeling underneath. The grief that might not stop once it starts. The anger that has felt unsafe to admit to. The longing they were taught not to have. Vulnerability is what it costs to let that feeling exist with another person in the room, instead of managing it alone.

    Why we learned to hide it

    Nobody arrives at adulthood guarded for no reason. Most of the people I work with learned, somewhere early, that the safest version of themselves was a managed one. Perhaps tears were met with impatience. Perhaps anger was met with bigger anger. Perhaps need was met with a tired parent who had nothing left to give, and you, sensible child that you were, decided not to need so much.

    Those adaptations were intelligent at the time. They kept you connected to the people you depended on. The trouble is that they tend to outlive their usefulness. The grown-up version of the child who learned not to need is the adult who cannot ask for help, cannot say what hurts, and feels strangely lonely inside relationships that look, from the outside, perfectly fine.

    What vulnerability is, and is not

    Vulnerability is not oversharing. It is not turning every conversation into a confession, or telling a stranger on a train about your divorce. Those can be performances of openness that leave the actual self quite well hidden.

    Real vulnerability is quieter. It is saying, out loud, the sentence you usually swallow. It is letting your face show what your face actually feels. It is admitting you do not know, that you are frightened, that you mind more than you have been letting on. It is the small, unglamorous moment of letting someone see the part of you that you would rather they did not.

    Brené Brown, who has done more than most to put this word into ordinary conversation, defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. That sounds about right. It is not a feeling so much as a position you take, often against your own instincts.

    Why therapy depends on it

    Insight alone, as you may have noticed, does not change very much. People can understand their patterns in extraordinary detail and still live inside them. The thing that tends to shift the pattern is not more understanding. It is the experience of being met, as you actually are, by another person, and surviving it.

    That is what good therapy offers. A relationship in which the usual arrangements can come down a little, and the parts of you that have been managed for years can be looked at, named, and met without contempt. It is slow work. It cannot be rushed, and it cannot be faked. The body knows the difference between a performance of openness and the real thing.

    For people raised to be competent, capable, and self-sufficient, this can feel almost intolerable at first. Sitting with someone whose only job is to pay attention to you, with nothing to offer in return except your honesty, is a peculiar experience. Many people manage it by being interesting, insightful, or helpful to the therapist. That is fine for a while. Eventually, if the work is going well, even that defence gets gently noticed.

    What it tends to look like in practice

    Vulnerability in therapy rarely looks dramatic. More often it looks like a long pause. A sentence that trails off. The moment someone says, “I have never told anyone this,” and then does. The moment they cry without apologising for crying. The moment they get angry with the therapist and find that the therapist is still there afterwards, undamaged and still interested.

    These are not small moments, even when they look small. They are the places where the old rule, do not let anyone see this, gets quietly disproved.

    A note for anyone considering therapy

    If you are weighing up whether to start, you do not need to arrive ready to be vulnerable. You only need to be willing to find out what gets in the way. That is plenty. The rest is what the relationship is for.

    If something in this resonates and you would like to talk it through, you are welcome to book a free initial conversation.

  • Love Rewritten: How Relationships Change Over Time

    Love Rewritten: How Relationships Change Over Time

    From grandmothers to ghosting, from hunter-gatherers to modern therapy – what our relationships carry today is both ancient and entirely new.

    “I thought love would feel easier by now,” she said, meeting my eyes with a steadiness that carried more tiredness than drama. “Nothing’s really wrong. We function. We get on. We’ve built a life together. But I feel like a piece of the furniture now. It’s all routine. We’re just living alongside each other.”

    She says it carefully. This is not a woman in crisis, or collapse, or complaint. She is someone who has stayed.

    I hear this often now in my practice. Not catastrophe, not scandal, not an ending anyone can point to, though those happen too. More a sense of drift inside relationships that still funciton. Two competent adults. A shared life. A steady routine. And a subtle loss of closeness that’s difficult to articulate and therefore easy to live with for too long.

    This form of relational bewilderment isn’t new. What’s new is the world we’re trying to do love inside of.

    When Stability Was Enough

    Fifty or sixty years ago, relationships were held in place by stronger social scripts. Most people married before the age of 30, roles were more clearly defined, and extended family was more present. Community did more of the containing. Not because everything was better. It wasn’t. But because the emotional and practical weight of life was spread across more shoulders.

    Today, intimacy sits in a very different ecosystem.

    We still want partnership, but we want it alongside autonomy. We want stability, but we also want freedom. We want comfort, and we want growth. We want our partner to feel like home, and also like a portal into a bigger life.

    So we ask one relationship to do what used to be distributed across a whole network (Cherlin, 2004): confidant, co-parent, sexual partner, financial collaborator, emotional regulator, best friend, safe haven, and sometimes, therapist-by-proxy. When that becomes too heavy, we often decide something is wrong with us, or with them, or with the relationship istelf, rather than recognising that the job description has expanded.

    Relationships aren’t failing. We’re just asking them to hold what once took a village.

    From bands to nuclear couples

    For most of human history, intimate bonds were embedded in groups (Hawkes et al., 1998). Long before agriculture or settled societies, human life was organised around interdependence: hunter-gatherer communities relied on shared caregiving, collective labour, and mutual protection. Humans evolved neurobiological systems to support bonding and cooperation, shaped by hormones like oxytocin, dopamine, testosterone, and oestrogen. These systems helped ensure reproduction and the survival of offspring who required prolonged care due to our increasingly sophisticated brains. But parenting and protection were never the responsibility of two individuals alone. Early humans practiced alloparenting, with caregiving shared across kin and group members. 

    Modern Western life, particularly in individualist societies, gradually narrowed that unit. Industrialisation and increased mobility pulled people away from extended families and local communities. The nuclear couple became the centre of the social universe. We gained autonomy and choice, but we lost scaffolding.

    For much of the mid-20th century, the success of a relationship was measured by its endurance – marriage until death – shaped by dominant religious and social norms. The implicit question was not about fulfilment, but about fit: Is this the right kind of life? Over time, that question changed. We began asking something new: Is this relationship helping me become more myself?

    It reflects a profound cultural shift. We now expect intimate relationships to support individuality, meaning, and psychological growth, not just continuity or social order.

    That expectation can be deeply liberating. It can also be destabilising, especially when our beliefs and values evolve faster than our nervous systems can adapt. The result is not relational failure, but strain: ancient attachment needs trying to live inside modern conditions of pressure, pace, and perpetual self-optimisation.

    The quiet fractures of modern love 

    Modern love asks us to hold two needs at once: security and freedom.

    In theory, that sounds manageable. In practice, it’s a daily negotiation. The part of us shaped by attachment wants safety, predictability, and belonging. The part shaped by contemporary culture wants autonomy, self-expression, and change. When those needs collide, it rarely looks dramatic. More often it shows up as irritation, withdrawal, low desire, or the quiet sense of being either too much or not enough.

    In long-term partnerships, desire is often the first casulty. Not because love is gone, but because intimacy struggles where someone feels managed, criticised, or emotionally invisible.

    Desire needs safety, yes, but it also needs space and play. It needs to be met as a person, not just a role. Over time, many long-term couples slip into an efficient choreography of logistics, childcare, admin, work, and money. From the outside, it can look like stability. On the inside, it can feel like two people running a life rather than sharing one.

    Midlife tends to expose these fault lines. Sometimes quietly. Sometimes with a big bust up. Bodies change. Energy shifts. Children need us differently or less. Work identities evolve. Losses accumulate. The people inside the relationship may have changed, but the relational contract often hasn’t.

    The nervous system notices first. What once felt manageable begins to feel constricting. Irritation replaces tolerance. Desire goes offline. It can feel as though the relationship itself is the problem, when something subtler may be happening.

    What love asks of us now

    We are living through a strange era: more choice, more psychological language, more awareness, and less collective support. In the same week we might see a dedicated grandfather quietly anchoring a family through school runs, and a dating app conversation evaporating mid-sentence. From grandparenting to ghosting, our relational world contains both ancient attachment needs and entirely new cultural habits.

    So what does this evolving relational world ask of us?

    When love goes quiet rather than breaks, how long do we live alongside each other before we notice what’s missing?

    When it breaks loudly, how do we tell the difference between necessary rupture and avoidable loss?

    And when both people have changed, but the agreement between them hasn’t, what would it mean to pause and look again, rather than rush to decide?

     

    This article was written by Veronika Kloucek, Senior Psychotherapist, Trainer, Supervisor

    If this article resonates and you would like to find out how I can help you, contact me to schedule a confidential enquiry call today. I work in private practice and head up The Village Clinic.

     

    References:

    Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. New York, NY: Basic Books.

     Cherlin, A. J. (2004). The deinstitutionalization of American marriage. Journal of Marriage and Family, 66(4), 848-861. https://doi.org/10.1111/j.0022-2445.2004.00058.x

    Hawkes, K., O’Connell, J. F., & Blurton Jones, N. G. (1998). Grandmothering, menopause, and the evolution of human life histories. Proceedings of the National Academy of Sciences, 95(3), 1336-1339. https://doi.org/10.1073/pnas.95.3.1336

    Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Reconciling the erotic and the domestic. New York, NY: HarperCollins.

    Lachman, M. E. (2015). Mind the gap in the middle: A call to study midlife. Research in Human Development, 12(3-4), 327-334. https://doi.org/10.1080/15427609.2015.1068048

  • Men Get a Midlife Story. Women Get a Diagnosis.

    Men Get a Midlife Story. Women Get a Diagnosis.

    Understanding the in-between years

    I remember the moment it was named, though it had been circling for a while. Life looked fine from the outside. Work was going well. Relationships ticking along. Nothing dramatic had happened. And yet ordinary days had started to feel strangely heavy. Small decisions took effort. Noise grated. Even things I used to manage without thinking now left me tired and short-tempered. It wasn’t sadness. It was overload. A sense that life, as it was arranged, suddenly demanded more than I had to give.

    This phase is often described as confusion rather than distress. A feeling of being internally scrambled. The question arrives quietly at first, then with more urgency. Is this menopause, or is it me? Why does everything feel so much harder than it used to? It’s not the pain of loss so much as the unease of no longer recognising your own responses. The world hasn’t shifted dramatically, yet your capacity to meet it has.

    Midlife Without a Script

    This is usually the moment people start reaching for the word midlife, often with discomfort. Midlife still carries judgement. A suggestion of failure, indulgence, or decline. Something faintly embarrassing. For men, midlife has long been framed as a story. A crisis. A reckoning. A narrative arc that includes buying the car, upgrading the watch, chasing desire, blowing up a life and calling it authenticity. These behaviours are culturally legible, even expected. There is a script, however crude it may be.

    For women, the same period is more often folded into a diagnosis. The menopause. A biological transition that explains something, but rarely explains enough. The difference matters. Men’s midlife is narrativised; women’s is medicalised, and both approaches miss something essential. One overplays agency and drama. The other compresses a complex psychological and relational shift into hormones alone. Despite the flood of information, panels, podcasts, and prescriptions, this remains a strangely unmapped terrain. Women are given a label, but little help translating it into the texture of daily life. How it feels in the body. How it alters tolerance, desire, attention. How it quietly rearranges identity.

    A Change In Rhythm

    What can feel like personal failure, or even collapse, is something else entirely. It is a recalibration. For decades, many women organise their internal world around holding, managing, anticipating. Around being reliable, capable, emotionally available. This isn’t accidental. It’s learned early and reinforced relentlessly. It keeps families running, workplaces functioning, relationships stable. It’s praised, rewarded, expected. It also asks the nervous system to live in a state of near-constant readiness.

    When the rhythm changes, when children need less, when work shifts, when hormones fluctuate, when life no longer demands the same vigilance, the body doesn’t simply exhale. Systems adapt to what is required of them, reminds us Dan Siegel, psychiatrist and researcher in interpersonal neurobiology. When the requirement changes, the system has to reorganise. And reorganisation is rarely calm.

    “As a client said to me recently, it feels like the old way has gone, but the new way hasn’t arrived yet. I’m standing in the middle with no instructions, and everything feels louder than it should.”

    This in-between state is deeply uncomfortable. There is no cultural script for it. No sanctioned behaviour. Just a sense of being unmoored inside a life that still looks intact.

    When Coping Stops Working

    Midlife often hits hardest those who appear to be coping best. Competence can disguise exhaustion. Emotional intelligence can keep you functioning long past the point of internal strain. Strength delays reckoning. It doesn’t remove the need for it. When life stops requiring quite so much vigilance, what surfaces isn’t peace but noise. Irritation. Restlessness. A brittle edge. The feeling that your days no longer fit you properly.

    Identity takes a quiet hit here too. Not dramatically, but persistently. Much of adult female identity is built around usefulness. Being needed. Being dependable. Being the one who remembers, anticipates, smooths things over. As Susie Orbach, psychotherapist and writer, has long argued, women are encouraged to locate their worth in care and accommodation. When those roles loosen, something collapses inwardly. Not because they were wrong, but because they were never the whole story.

    The Grief No One Names

    There is often grief in this, though it rarely announces itself as such. Grief for versions of the self that were admired and indispensable. Grief for the clarity that came with being busy. What replaces it isn’t immediately liberating. It’s ambiguous. Unsettled. Hard to articulate without sounding ungrateful.

    Relationships feel this shift too. Not always through open conflict, but through recognition. Many women begin to see how intimacy was organised around function rather than shared inner life. How emotional labour was absorbed rather than negotiated. Resentment doesn’t always arrive as anger. More often, it shows up as fatigue. As withdrawal. As the quiet question psychotherapist and author Esther Perel returns to again and again: who am I allowed to be here, and at what cost?

    For some, this phase intersects with neurodiversity in revealing ways. Years of masking and compensating begin to fail. Coping strategies that once worked lose their elasticity. Burnout appears not as collapse, but as narrowing. Less tolerance. Less flexibility. Another reminder that adaptation, however impressive, is not the same as ease.

    The Conversation That Waits

    Midlife is not a problem to be solved. It’s a passage that exposes the limits of how we’ve been living. A phase where structures that once made sense start to feel ill-fitting, and new ones haven’t yet taken shape. The discomfort lies not in failure, but in uncertainty. In being asked to listen rather than push through. To discern rather than react.

    This stage doesn’t demand reinvention or escape. It isn’t necessarily a call to leave, upend, or start again. It asks for something quieter and far less marketable. Honesty. Discernment. A willingness to stay with questions that don’t yet have answers.

    Midlife is often treated as an inconvenience to manage or a symptom to medicate. It may be something else entirely. A long-delayed conversation about who you’ve become, and what that self can no longer carry. The unease isn’t the enemy. It may be the first signal that something essential is finally being allowed into the room.

     

    This article was written by Veronika Kloucek, Senior Psychotherapist, Trainer, Supervisor.

    If this article resonates and you would like to find out how I can help you, contact me to schedule a confidential enquiry call today. I work in private practice and head up The Village Clinic.

     

    References:
  • Between Cultures: Notes on Belonging, Love and Learning to Speak Yourself

    Between Cultures: Notes on Belonging, Love and Learning to Speak Yourself

    I’m an immigrant. I’ve lived in the UK nearly twenty years.

    I still notice small things. The way people ask, “You alright?” and expect a breezy, “Yeah, you?” rather than a moment of real connection. The comfort of tea offered at the worst moments. The long vowels that slip back into my voice when I’m tired, the slight pause when someone asks me to repeat my surname. Some days I feel at home in two places. Some days I feel I’m visiting both.

    Cross-cultural life isn’t a single story. Some of us moved for work or study, some for love, some because a parent packed a suitcase and said it would be better this way. Some found the marriage didn’t hold. Some are raising children who look like both grandmothers and neither at once. Many of us live in a language that isn’t our first. We hold rituals that have no day off here. We learn to cook the foods that smell of home and then apologise for the smell in rented kitchens.

    What binds these lives isn’t a headline. It’s the steady work of marrying up different maps of meaning. How family should function. What respect looks like. Who gets to speak first at dinner. How to disagree without losing face. Whether love equals duty, or choice, or both.

    The ordinary places where culture meets you

    Culture doesn’t only arrive through big events. It shows up in the queue at Boots, when you say “sorry” for being bumped. It shows up in HR forms that don’t fit your name. It shows up when your child asks which holidays you celebrate and why their classmates don’t. It shows up in your partner’s family kitchen when the rules for praise, help, and privacy aren’t spoken but very much enforced. And while I don’t carry the added weight of microaggressions tied to skin colour, for many the complexity of cross-cultural life is compounded by racism.

    It’s in the wedding you attend where your side expects elders to speak, and your partner’s side expects brevity and wine. In the WhatsApp group that runs on your mother tongue and the work meeting that runs on jargon. In the pull to send money home and the push to keep savings here. In the moment you laugh too loudly at a joke to prove you belong, then go quiet because you don’t. 

    The loyalties that split and braid

    Many clients describe a double wish. To stay loyal to the people and values that raised them. To live freely in the life they’ve built now. That wish doesn’t cancel itself out. It makes a braid. Some strands sit easily. Some pull.

    “I’m raising my children here in London,” Sita (not her real name), mother of Indian heritage, told me. “Part of me wants to pass on everything I grew up with, our food, our language, our respect for elders. But then I see how easily my kids question me, how quickly they push back. Sometimes it makes me doubt myself, as if tradition makes me not just old-fashioned but wrong. How do you know which voice to trust: mine, or the one they’re learning here.”

    There can be guilt. For wanting something your parents didn’t have. For not passing on a language. For choosing a partner your family struggles to recognise as “one of us”. There can be pride too. In being able to translate two worlds. In knowing when to be direct and when to be delicate. In teaching children that their identity is bigger than a form.

    The body keeps score of belonging

     This is not just an idea. The nervous system tracks safety, inclusion, exclusion long before we have words for it. If you spend long periods code-switching, smoothing edges, smiling through confusion, your body logs it as work. You might notice tension at family gatherings, a rise in heart rate before you speak up at work, a flatness when you leave a phone call with home and realise you are running out of shared references. None of this means you are failing at culture. It means you are human.

    Love across maps

    Many couples only discover cultural differences when life asks for a decision. Where to live. How to handle money. How to raise children. Whether elders have a bedroom in your home. How often you see family. Who makes the plan and who defers. The early glow of falling in love lets us imagine we mean the same things by “respect” or “support.” Later, the details matter.

    I’ve sat with pairs who love one another and still end up in loops. One partner calls frequent check-ins “care,” the other hears “control.” One believes family decisions must be collective, the other believes partnership is two people in a room. Neither is wrong. Both are simply shaped.

    As a Nigerian client once said to me: “I married an Englishwoman who says she loves how close I am with my family. But when my cousins arrive and stay three weeks, she looks at me like I’ve broken a rule no one told me about.”

    What helps is naming the maps. Not to win, but to see. “In my family, advice is love.” “In mine, advice is criticism.” “In my home, guests drop in.” “In mine, you ask first.” Once spoken, differences stop being personal flaws. They become logistics two people can work with.

    The second generation question

    If you grew up with parents who carried a whole country in their pockets, you may have learned to be grateful, to minimise struggle because someone else had it worse. Clients often ask a quiet question: am I allowed to find this hard when my parents faced far more?

    The answer is yes. Hard is not a competition. Your parents’ resilience doesn’t cancel your feelings. They can be heroes and you can still feel lost. You can honour their story and write your own.

    Naming losses without apology

    Leaving a place, even for good reasons, comes with grief. Not only for people or landscapes, but for ways of being that don’t translate. The pleasure of speaking without thinking about grammar. The humour that relies on references no one here shares. The easy, cheap hairdresser who knew your style. The music that swings you in a particular rhythm. The season that smells of a distinctive fruit.

    You don’t have to justify that grief. You don’t have to earn the right to miss what made you. Naming loss is not betrayal. It is part of integration.

    Anyone who has tried to feel in a language learned later knows the strange distance it brings, how words can clarify and thin emotion at the same time.

    A closing thought

    Most of us who cross cultures learn to carry a small museum inside. Objects, tastes, stories, rules. If you’re reading this and feeling the tug of not quite belonging anywhere, of being caught between cultures, languages, or expectations, know this: you’re not alone. Your confusion is valid. Your longing is human. And your ability to live fully between worlds has not expired.

    The task isn’t to pack the museum away. It’s to curate it. To let it breathe in the home you have now. To invite people you love to visit. To take them by the hand and say: this piece shaped me, that one too, and here is the room I’m still arranging. If you recognise yourself in this, you’re not alone. There is nothing wrong with wanting roots and room in the same breath. That’s not a contradiction. That’s a life.

    This article was written by Veronika Kloucek, Senior Psychotherapist, Trainer, Supervisor with support from AI tools for spelling and grammar clarity. All ideas and editorial choices remain fully human and authored.

    If this article resonates and you would like to find out how I can help you, contact me to schedule a confidential enquiry call today. I work in private practice and head up The Village Clinic. 

     

    References & Further Reading

    Berry, J. W. (1997). Immigration, acculturation, and adaptation. Applied Psychology: An International Review, 46(1), 5 to 34.

    Bhabha, H. K. (1994/2004). The location of culture. Routledge.

    Dewaele, J.-M. (2010). Emotions in multiple languages. Palgrave Macmillan.

    Hoffman, E. (1990). Lost in translation: A life in a new language. Penguin.

    Iyer, P. (2000). The global soul: Jet lag, shopping malls, and the search for home. Knopf.

    Lahiri, J. (2016). In other words (A. Goldstein, Trans.). Vintage. (Original work published 2015 in Italian)

    Pavlenko, A. (2005). Emotions and multilingualism. Cambridge University Press.

    Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, self-regulation. W. W. Norton.

  • Arms Length: The Closeness We Fear

    Arms Length: The Closeness We Fear

    It always happens at the same point. Just when things begin to feel easy, the laughter slipping in, the tenderness within reach, she would pull back. A message left unanswered, a weekend suddenly too busy, the warmth cooling into distance. Chloe (not her real name) felt the sting every time, the unspoken rule that closeness had to be rationed. Love was there, but never quite safe enough to rest in.

    For many, this dance is painfully familiar. A partner who leans in, then retreats. A relationship that never quite settles into safety. From the outside it can look like disinterest. Inside, it often feels like survival. Most of us don’t set out to avoid closeness. We protect ourselves from how it once felt.

    We learn our template for love before we have language for it. Not as a theory, more as a felt map: what closeness means, how much emotion is tolerated, when it is safer to self-soothe than to reach. These are the quiet rules our nervous system carries into adult life, written in the body more than the mind. When closeness starts to rise, the body remembers. It calibrates for risk.

    I want you, but I can’t afford to need you.
    Please stay, but not so close that I disappear.

    These aren’t choices in the usual sense. They are protective reflexes with a history. If the presence of a caregiver once overwhelmed or disappointed, distance becomes associated with relief and control. If needing was met with intrusion, the safest person to depend on becomes yourself. What worked then, works again, until it costs more than it saves.

    The paradox: longing and withdrawing at the same time

    Here is the knot so many couples get caught in. We long for contact and we fear it. The same person who evokes tenderness also activates old alarms. The closer they come, the more our system anticipates loss, criticism, engulfment, or the quiet ache of being unseen. What looks like coolness can be an invisible firefight: a nervous system trying to lower the temperature.

    This is rarely about drama. It is a thousand micro-moves. Delaying reply. Choosing a solo plan over the shared one. Keeping stories from past relationships faintly unresolved, so no one quite gets in. Setting your life up so you can leave at speed, emotionally if not physically. All of it says: I’ll want you, but I won’t let need hold me.

    In therapy, I often hear some version of: I don’t want to be alone, I just don’t want to lose myself. It is a sane fear. If closeness has been tangled with shame or control, your system has learned to equate intimacy with self-erasure. The work isn’t to shame that defence but to understand its wisdom – and then slowly widen its range.

    How early learning writes our adult love story

    Think of an implicit relational model as your internal draft of how people are likely to respond to you. It’s pre-verbal, fast, and mostly out of awareness. Developmental neuroscientists such as Allan Schore describes how these expectations are stored in implicit memory and shaped by right-hemisphere learning: tone of voice, micro-expressions, the feel of being held or turned away. We update this draft slowly, through lived experience more than ideas.

    When a partner reaches for you, your body scans for “same as before” or “different this time.” If your template expects intrusion, warmth can feel like pressure. If it expects unpredictability, tenderness can make you brace. None of this means you are broken. It means your history is efficient. The nervous system is built to generalise in order to protect.

    We don’t just see our partners as they are; we also see them as our history prepared us to expect.

    That is why reassurance alone rarely changes the pattern. Safety becomes believable not through speeches but through repeated encounters with difference: conflict that doesn’t cost love, closeness that doesn’t take your air away, repair that arrives without punishment. The body learns from what it survives.

    “Intimacy is not the absence of fear; it is the capacity to stay present while fear visits.”

    Signs you might be loving at arm’s length

    Not a diagnosis, not a box to climb into. Simply common patterns people recognise in themselves:

    • You warm up in flirting and early dating, then cool as the connection grows real.
    • You prefer relationships where you hold more of the power to leave.
    • You keep exes close in theory but distant in practice, a museum of doors you rarely open.
    • You prize independence so highly that practical closeness feels like a threat to competence.
    • You feel tenderness in words, then shut down in the room, especially during repair.
    • You say yes to plans and find reasons to trim or delay them.
    • You believe that making needs explicit is a kind of weakness, so you self-contain.

    If you see yourself here, it isn’t a verdict. It is a map. Patterns are messages in disguise.

    Why distance starts as wisdom

    Distance often begins as the cleverest move available. It regulates emotion. It preserves dignity when asking felt dangerous. It avoids the helplessness of being at someone’s mercy. For a child, this is intelligence. For an adult, it becomes costly when it blocks the nourishment you now need. The task is not to demolish self-reliance, but to learn graded closeness: proximity that keeps you intact.

    An honest question helps: What flavour of closeness feels safe enough that I can still find myself inside it? For some, it begins with time-limited contact and clear exits. For others, predictable rituals act as scaffolding: a consistent call, a check-in after conflict, a shared end-of-day pause. You are not learning dependency; you are expanding choice.

    A note on attachment, without the boxes

    People often ask about “attachment styles” as if they are fixed categories. The truth is more humane. Early patterns shape adult expectations, and those expectations can shift in the presence of steady, responsive relationships. If you’re curious about how your template formed and how it shows up in conflict, closeness, and repair, you can read more in my reflections on attachment and interpersonal dynamics. The headline is simple: patterns protect, and with care, they can also soften. 

    How therapy helps, briefly

    What if you didn’t have to prove you needed nothing before you were allowed to need something? What if repair arrived without penalty? What if you could move toward closeness at your pace, and discover you did not collapse?

    Relational therapy is a live place to test that: two people, steady pace, clear edges, repair that holds. You don’t get advice from afar; you practise closeness without collapse until your nervous system believes it. Authentic human care is not a slogan; it’s the live context in which the nervous system can update what it believes about closeness. That is what begins to change your story.

    Changing the pattern, gently

    If you recognise yourself loving at arm’s length, here are places to begin:

    Notice your “early warning signs.” The small internal shifts that precede withdrawal: a prickle of irritation during warmth, the impulse to reschedule, a sudden belief that independence is the moral high ground. Label them as protection, not character.

    Name one need out loud. Start tiny. “Could we text before bed.” “Please tell me you got home safe.” “I want to linger five more minutes.” Needing is not an indictment; it is information your partner can use to love you well.

    Practice graded proximity. Agree simple, predictable rituals. One weekly plan you won’t move. A short check-in after difficult talks. A phone-free coffee first thing. Rituals give your body a scaffold for closeness and create exits that are explicit rather than covert.

    Relearn repair. When you pull away and then return, say so. “I got overwhelmed. I’m back now.” When your partner reaches, try to let something small land. Repair is not about perfection. It is about allowing goodness to stick long enough to revise the story.

    Look for difference, not perfection. Your system is scanning, often automatically, for proof that this is the same as before. Help it notice what is different: conflict that resolves, warmth that doesn’t escalate, boundaries that are honoured. Keep a quiet log if it helps. The body believes repetition.

    Hold your competence and your need together. The point is not to become someone else. It is to discover that you can remain capable, autonomous, and responsive while also letting a trusted person matter.

    For the partner who feels shut out

    If you love someone who moves away as things get close, you will feel the sting of it. You may try to chase, persuade, or prove yourself safe. Often this widens the gap. What helps is steady, boundaried presence. Make your invitations clear and low-pressure, name how you will handle disappointment, and honour your own limits. Proximity thrives where no one is being cornered, and where both people can tell the truth.

    When the story starts to change

    The moment that shifts everything is usually small. A difficult conversation that ends in warmth instead of silence. A request met without judgement. A weekend plan that stays on the calendar. A return after distance that doesn’t demand a performance. Your system notices, slowly. The old template loosens its grip. Closeness begins to feel less like a transaction and more like somewhere to rest.

    Love isn’t something to be earned or endured. It is something we relearn to receive. 

    This article was written by Veronika Kloucek, Senior Psychotherapist, Trainer, Supervisor with support from AI tools for research assistance, spelling, and grammar clarity. All ideas and editorial choices remain fully human and authored.

    If this article resonates and you would like to find out how I can help you, contact me to schedule a confidential enquiry call today. I work in private practice and head up The Village Clinic. 

     

    References & Further Reading

    Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum.

    Bargh, J. A., & Chartrand, T. L. (1999). The unbearable automaticity of being. American Psychologist, 54(7), 462 to 479. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.54.7.462

    Bowlby, J. (1969/1982). Attachment and loss: Vol. 1. Attachment (2nd ed.). Basic Books.

    Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.

    Beebe, B., & Lachmann, F. M. (2002). Infant research and adult treatment: Co-constructing interactions. The Analytic Press.

    Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (2000). Adult romantic attachment: Theoretical developments, emerging controversies, and unanswered questions. Review of General Psychology, 4(2), 132 to 154. https://doi.org/10.1037/1089-2680.4.2.132

    Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2015). 10 principles for doing effective couples therapy. W. W. Norton.

    Mikulincer, M., & Shaver, P. R. (2016). Attachment in adulthood: Structure, dynamics, and change (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

    Schore, A. N. (2012). The science of the art of psychotherapy. W. W. Norton.

    Siegel, D. J. (2012). The developing mind: How relationships and the brain interact to shape who we are (2nd ed.). Guilford Press.

    Stern, D. N. (2000). The interpersonal world of the infant: A view from psychoanalysis and developmental psychology (2nd ed.). Basic Books.

    Simpson, J. A., & Rholes, W. S. (2017). Adult attachment, stress, and romantic relationships. Current Opinion in Psychology, 13, 19 to 24. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.copsyc.2016.04.006

  • Friend or Foe: AI Can Talk. But Can it Care?

    Friend or Foe: AI Can Talk. But Can it Care?

    enough

    The Fear: Connection Without Vulnerability

    Henrich, 2020 feel stay

    The Opportunity: A Wider Net

    Paraphrase what was said. Ask a relevant question

    The Loss: What Can’t Be Replaced

    negative capability heal Iain McGilchrist

    The Ethical Grey Zones

    through

    A Tool, Not a Therapist

    “The danger is not that I am here. The danger is when people forget what I am.” (Chat-GPT-4)
    hold

    The Future of AI in Therapy

    The hopeful one with. The bleak one

    The Human Code

    real presence

    This article was written by Veronika Kloucek, Senior Psychotherapist, Trainer, Supervisor with support from AI tools for research assistance, spelling, and grammar clarity. All ideas and editorial choices remain fully human and authored.

    If this article resonates and you would like to find out how I can help you, contact me to schedule a confidential enquiry call today. I work in private practice and head up The Village Clinic. 

    References & Further Reading

    Henrich, J. (2020). The WEIRDest People in the World: How the West Became Psychologically Peculiar and Particularly Prosperous. Farrar, Straus and Giroux. https://us.macmillan.com/books/9780374710453/theweirdestpeopleintheworld

    Keats, J. (1817). Letter to George and Tom Keats. In Gittings, R. (Ed.) (1970). Letters of John Keats: A Selection. Oxford University Press.

    McGilchrist, I. (2009). The Master and His Emissary: The Divided Brain and the Making of the Western World. Yale University Press. https://yalebooks.yale.edu/book/9780300245929/the-master-and-his-emissary

    Murphy, K. (2023). The limits of AI in psychotherapy: Efficiency without empathy. Journal of Integrative Psychotherapy, 15(2), 87 to 102.

    Tiku, N. (2023, May 1). When chatbots go wrong. The Washington Post. https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2023/05/01/chatbot-suicide-ethical-concerns

  • Brick by Brick: Building Intimacy is not Just One Leap

    Brick by Brick: Building Intimacy is not Just One Leap

    We adore the idea of grand movie-like romantic gestures: surprise vacations, elaborate gifts, dramatic declarations of love. They captivate us – but they don’t sustain us.

    Lisa, a client of mine, captured this truth profoundly. After months of quiet drifting, their mornings had dissolved into separate phone scrolling: hers, his – and barely a word between. Gone were the gentle kisses, the unspoken reaches for each other before the day began. She felt unseen and disconnected, quietly resentful of the growing distance and lack of attention. 

    True intimacy isn’t born from fireworks – it grows from small, steady acts of presence.

    The Power Is in the Small Gesture

    Relationship researcher John Gottman describes everyday bids for connection – simple moments like asking “How are you today?” or reaching out with a casual “can you help me with this?” Most of us don’t notice these bids, but they are relational currency. When we miss or ignore them, emotional distance slowly widens.

    Simple gestures like genuinely saying “please”, “thank you”, and “sorry” remind us and our partners that we value and recognise each other’s feelings and efforts. These small acknowledgments help maintain mutual respect, another building block of intimacy.

    Inspired by these insights, Lisa introduced a tiny ritual: ten minutes of phone-free coffee time each morning. No phones buzzing, no checking email, just two people sitting together, half-listening at first, but gradually reconnecting.

    Within days, these small, uninterrupted moments turned into little opportunities for genuine care: noticing tired eyes, asking about dreams, or just resting in comfortable silence. With each bid accepted, their relationship rediscovered its emotional rhythm.

    Why Small Rituals Stick

    Everyday intimacy isn’t about spectacle, but about consistency. Esther Perel agrees, real connection lives in routines: the shared cup of tea, the check-in hug, the thoughtful question. These rituals gently reinforce emotional safety and closeness.

    Brené Brown teaches us that vulnerability – the willingness to show up imperfectly – is what deep connection is built on. That ten-minute ritual wasn’t flashy, but it created a space where both partners could simply be. No performance, no agenda – just presence. 

    What Lisa Discovered was: 

    • Not grand gestures, but micro-choices: Choosing presence over distraction, moment by moment. 
    • Vulnerability over performance: Saying, “I’m tired today,” doesn’t diminish romance. It tempers it with authenticity.
    • Connection without effortlessness: These moments felt awkward at first, but that’s okay. Awkwardness is intimacy’s gatekeeper.

    Over weeks, Lisa felt something shift. Their conversations flowed more honestly. The subtle reach toward the other – like a hand on the back, eye contact during conversation, genuine listening without interrupting – became a daily currency again. They weren’t planning grand dates; they were noticing each other.

    Why It Matters

    Many of us assume intimacy needs to be dramatic when really, it thrives in the mundane. If you’re feeling distant, anxious, or emotionally depleted, know this: intimacy isn’t about revolution, it’s about evolution. Small, consistent choices accumulate into deep relational repair.

    What is your next small act of presence going to be? Can you look up from your phone during coffee? Ask one genuinely interested question? Acknowledge one small emotional bid you might normally miss?

    These everyday bricks build lasting connection.

    Intimacy isn’t forged in grand leaps, it’s built brick by brick. Interested in inviting more of these moments into your relationship? Sometimes the most radical choice is the simplest one: choosing to show up, again and again. 

    This article was written by Veronika Kloucek, Senior Psychotherapist, Trainer, Supervisor with support from AI tools for spelling and grammar clarity. All ideas and editorial choices remain fully human and authored. If this article resonates and you would like to find out how therapy can help you, contact me to schedule a confidential enquiry call today. I work in private practice and head up The Village Clinic. 

    References & Further Reading

    Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Avery.

    Gottman, J., & Silver, N. (2015). The seven principles for making marriage work: A practical guide from the country’s foremost relationship expert (Revised ed.). Harmony Books.

    Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. Harper. 

  • Still Functioning, Totally Fried: The Slow Burn of Burnout

    Still Functioning, Totally Fried: The Slow Burn of Burnout

    You might recognise it. You keep going, keep doing, but something inside feels frayed. You’re not sleepy. You’re lost. You’ve tried to rest, but the rest doesn’t rest you.

    This is often the point where people land in my therapy room – burnt out, not just by work, but by long-standing pressure, perfectionism, invisible emotional labour. Burnout doesn’t always scream. It whispers: You’re not yourself anymore.

    When Rest Isn’t Enough

    Burnout is often mistaken for stress. But unlike stress, it doesn’t resolve with a weekend off or more sleep. It’s deeper. More existential. It affects your ability to feel joy, make decisions, or stay connected to what matters.

    According to the World Health Organization, burnout is a state of emotional, physical, and mental exhaustion resulting from prolonged stress, particularly in work or caregiving roles. But clinically, I see it in people across all contexts: parents, professionals, perfectionists, healers.

    Burnout hides in silence, until your mind keeps going, but your heart quietly leaves the room.

    Burnout Is a Disconnect, Not a Weakness

    Burnout often shows up as:

    • A sense of numbness or detachment
    • A creeping cynicism or self-blame
    • Emotional sensitivity, or total emotional shutdown
    • The quiet panic of being ‘on’ all the time, even while you rest

    These aren’t failures of character. They’re signals – indicators of a profound disconnect between your inner needs and outer demands.

    Why Digital Tools Only Go So Far

    Apps can remind you to breathe. Self-help books can inspire reflection. But when burnout is rooted in relational history, shame, identity, or chronic invisibility, these tools often hit a wall.

    Q: Why choose human-to-human therapy over AI or digital tools?
    A: AI and digital support can be helpful in a coaching-like way, but many clients find that deeper issues require a real relationship to be fully understood and worked through.

    The Power of Being Seen

    I work with many people who’ve tried everything before arriving in therapy, sleep trackers, coaching apps, nutrition plans. What made the difference wasn’t a new tool. It was the experience of being seen. Not scanned, not fixed, just met.

    Human-to-human therapy offers what burnout erodes: safety, empathy, reflection, relationship. It allows us to turn toward what’s underneath: unmet needs, self-neglect, perfectionism, inherited pressure.

    Therapy doesn’t fix you. It lets you rest long enough to hear what your burnout has been trying to say all along.

    How to Begin Again

    Burnout recovery isn’t instant. It’s slow, relational, and layered. But it is possible. You might begin by:

    • Naming what you’ve been pushing through
    • Noticing when you feel most emotionally absent
    • Allowing yourself to reach out before it gets worse
    • Exploring, in therapy, what parts of you have been quietly carrying too much for too long

    You don’t have to do this alone.

    And if You’re Still Not Sure

    If you’re reading this and feeling the quiet sting of disconnection – the doubt, the ache, the wondering if it’s even possible to feel like yourself again – know this: you’re not alone. That hollow space inside you isn’t a failure. It’s a sign of how much you’ve been carrying. 

    Therapy can be one place to begin again. A relationship where you don’t have to perform, explain, or hold it all together. Just space to be – tired, uncertain, human. And from that space, gently, something begins to shift. Something starts to feel possible again.

     

    This article was written by Veronika Kloucek, Senior Psychotherapist, Trainer, Supervisor  with support from AI tools for spelling and grammar clarity. All ideas and editorial choices remain fully human and authored. If this article resonates and you would like to find out how I can help you, contact me to schedule a confidential enquiry call today. I work in private practice and head up The Village Clinic.

     

     

    References & Further Reading

    World Health Organization (2019). Burn-out an “occupational phenomenon”: International Classification of Diseases.
    https://www.who.int/mental_health/evidence/burn-out/en/

    Maslach, C., & Leiter, M. P. (2016). Understanding the burnout experience: Recent research and its implications for psychiatry. World Psychiatry, 15(2), 103 to 111.
    https://doi.org/10.1002/wps.20311

    Pines, A., & Aronson, E. (1998). Career Burnout: Causes and Cures. Free Press.

    Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Penguin Books.

    Schore, A. N. (2003). Affect Dysregulation and Disorders of the Self. W. W. Norton & Company.

    Neff, K. (2011). Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself. William Morrow.

    Goleman, D. (1996). Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ. Bantam Books.

    Herman, J. L. (1992). Trauma and Recovery: The Aftermath of Violence, from Domestic Abuse to Political Terror. Basic Books.

    British Association for Counselling and Psychotherapy (BACP). Understanding burnout and mental health.
    https://www.bacp.co.uk

    National Institute for Health and Care Excellence (NICE). Guidance on common mental health problems and talking therapies.
    https://www.nice.org.uk

  • To Risk or Not to Risk: The Unsettling Freedom of Modern Love

    To Risk or Not to Risk: The Unsettling Freedom of Modern Love

    London is sweltering through another heatwave. Trains are delayed, tempers are short, and sleep is elusive. One of my fiercely independent, long-time single clients confessed – half amused, half wistful – that just the other day, she drifted off mid-meeting, caught in a fleeting daydream that had nothing to do with quarterly targets and everything to do with a stranger’s lingering glance on the tube.

    A cool drink in hand, sun-kissed skin, feet curled on a sun-lounger, she basked in a daydream where her heart danced to the sound of someone laughing next to her. The world shimmered with invitation. And with it, the old longing resurfaced: to be wanted, witnessed, and met. To love, or be loved. To be in relationship.

    The Risk of Reaching

    This tension between longing and reluctance is more than emotional: Gestalt therapist Ruella Frank and psychoanalyst Frances La Barre describe “reaching” as a core movement in human contact, the act of moving toward connection while simultaneously offering ourselves to be reached in return. In other words, desire opens us, makes us vulnerable – not only in pursuit of connection, but in readiness to let connection touch us.

    And just like that, the longing got shelved again, folded away between practicality and pride. Because wanting love? That’s easy. Daring to reach for it – especially when you no longer need it – is something else entirely.

    In much of the modern Western world, relationships have become both luxury and liability. We no longer need to be in one. That liberation – hard-earned, particularly for women – has granted autonomy, ambition, and choice. We can raise children alone, build empires, enjoy sex without emotional debt, and go home to our own perfectly plumped cushions. But what was once an unquestioned rite of passage has become a terrain fraught with paradox. When you don’t need love, choosing it becomes exponentially harder.

    Because to choose relationship is to risk. And to risk, again and again, when your body already knows the sting of disappointment, betrayal, or the slow erosion of intimacy over years – that is no small thing.

    What If This Is the Last Time I Try?

    In our twenties, the forward motion of hormones and hope can do much of the heavy lifting. A spark becomes a story. The promise of “maybe this is it” provides enough adrenaline to launch into the unknown. But as time moves forward – especially beyond thirty – our choices become more entangled. The fantasy doesn’t fade, but the stakes rise.

    The clock isn’t just ticking for those who wish to start families. It ticks for everyone trying to make the most of their aliveness. The loss of time weighs heavy. If this isn’t it, do I waste another year? If it is, and I mess it up, will I ever trust myself again?

    The tension between me and we becomes more pronounced with age. Career dreams, personal healing, and the joy of living on one’s own terms compete with the longing to be met, held, understood. And that longing isn’t just romantic – it’s existential. As we grow, we don’t just want someone to have dinner with. We want to be seen in our fullness. Not just to love, but to be mirrored in our becoming.

    The Body Always Knows

    Here’s the catch: the unconscious has a way of pursuing its own goals while we’re busy convincing ourselves we know what we’re doing. As Dr. John Bargh points out, much of what drives our decisions happens below the surface. We swipe, pursue, pull away, or sabotage without always understanding why.

    It’s only later, when it ends or stagnates, that we hear the faint voice that was there all along: the small contraction in the chest, the subtle disconnect between words and actions, the moment our stomach tightened but we smiled anyway. We tell ourselves the other person let us down, but often, the first betrayal was our own refusal to listen.

    We over-identify with our ideas of who we are in relationship. “I’m the open one.” “I’m emotionally available.” But what we do, our actual relational patterns, may say something quite different. And yet we rarely stop to ask: what is it I actually do in intimacy, not what I say I do, but what plays out when I’m triggered, when I’m met, when I’m afraid?

    The Pattern Knows the Way Back Home

    We all have relational blueprints, formed through early experiences and reinforced through repetition. And unless actively worked through, we end up drawing more of the same toward us. This doesn’t mean we’re doomed. But it does mean awareness matters.

    There’s an old psychoanalytic truth: what is not made conscious will be lived out as fate. In love, this shows up in who we are drawn to, how we interpret their silences, how quickly we push away or pull in. The work of maturity is learning to break our own patterns, not just to attract a different kind of partner, but to be a different kind of partner.

    Different Ages, Same Ache

    In your thirties, you may wrestle with competing clocks, fertility, career ambition, parental pressure. In your forties, you may have survived enough endings to question if starting again is brave or foolish. In your fifties and beyond, you may find yourself unexpectedly longing again, but with less patience for games and far more clarity about what matters.

    But at every age, the ache is the same: the longing to connect without losing yourself. The hope that someone will stay, not just physically, but emotionally. That they’ll turn toward you in the messy middle, when it’s no longer cute or easy.

    And still, despite the overthinking, the hesitations, the instinct to retreat, the longing remains. It doesn’t disappear. It waits. Patiently. For a moment of courage. For a breath of truth. For something in you to say: maybe this time, I’ll stay open.

    To Choose Love is to Choose Risk

    There is no bypassing the mess of it. You will get it wrong. You will disappoint and be disappointed. Some love stories end not with drama, but with drift. Others never start, because we don’t text back. Or we fall too fast and ignore our own signals. Or we become too careful, guarding the softest parts of ourselves behind a wall of casual indifference.

    But somewhere in that mess is the possibility of something real. Not perfect. Not guaranteed. But real.

    The kind of love that requires you to keep showing up even when the story isn’t going to plan. The kind that makes you ask not just who they are, but who you become in their presence.

    And perhaps, that’s the risk worth taking.

    We say we’re busy. That timing isn’t quite right. That we’re focusing on ourselves. But often what we’re really avoiding is the rawness of not knowing, of stepping into something uncertain, unfiltered, unguaranteed. Love, especially as we grow older, demands more from us. More honesty. More attunement. More willingness to look at how we protect ourselves, even from the very thing we want most.

    If you’re reading this and feeling the quiet sting of disconnection, the doubt, the ache, the wondering if closeness is still possible, know this: you’re not alone. Your pain is real. Your longing makes sense. And your capacity to connect hasn’t disappeared.

    Therapy can be one place to begin again. A relationship where you don’t have to perform, fix, or hold it all together. Where you can just be, curious, honest, human. And in that space, slowly, something begins to repair. Something begins to feel possible again.

     

    This article was written by Veronika Kloucek, Senior Psychotherapist, Trainer, Supervisor If this article resonates and you would like to find out how I can help you, contact me to schedule a confidential enquiry call today. I work in private practice and head up The Village Clinic.

     

    References

    Bargh, J. A. (2017). Before You Know It: The Unconscious Reasons We Do What We Do. Touchstone.

    British Psychological Society. (2021). The power of relational therapy: A guide for clinicians. [BPS Guidelines]

    Fairbairn, W. R. D. (1952). Psychoanalytic Studies of the Personality. Tavistock.

    Frank, R., & La Barre, F. (2011). The First Year and the Rest of Your Life: Movement, Development, and Therapeutic Change. The Analytic Press.

    Sullivan, H. S. (1953). The Interpersonal Theory of Psychiatry. Norton.

    Wachtel, P. L. (2008). Relational Theory and the Practice of Psychotherapy. Guilford Press.

  • Lonely in Love: The Disconnection No One Talks About

    Lonely in Love: The Disconnection No One Talks About

    The ache went straight through my heart. He wasn’t crying. He wasn’t even angry. Just sitting there, eyes lowered, voice soft: “I don’t know… we live together, we talk, but I feel more lonely than when I was on my own. That makes no sense, right?“

    When Closeness Stops Feeling Close

    There was no bitterness, just a quiet sadness, the kind that comes when you’ve run out of ways to explain something that still hurts. And something about what this client shared stayed with me.

    There’s a kind of loneliness that doesn’t come with empty chairs or cold pillows. It comes with shared bedtimes and a kitchen stocked for two – but a quiet, persistent sense of emotional exile. A sofa built for closeness, yet filled with silence. It’s being physically near yet emotionally distant – profoundly unseen, hidden in plain sight. And it cuts deeper than solitude. It’s the disconnection we rarely talk about because, to the outside world, nothing looks wrong.

    You’re not single. You might even appear enviably settled – joint holidays, shared mortgage, occasional date nights, smiling holiday photos. But under the surface, something aches. The small gestures of intimacy have dried up, or maybe they never truly rooted. Conversations hover on logistics. Affection feels mechanical. The pauses hang heavy, and when you try to name it, something shuts down – either in them, or in you.

    This isn’t just emotional discomfort. It’s physiological. The human nervous system is wired for attunement. We thrive when we’re emotionally met. But when our bids for closeness go consistently unanswered, our nervous systems starts to log it as threat. Maybe you find yourself frustratedly repeating yourself to try and make yourself heard. Maybe you catch yourself over-explaining, anxiously trying to repair connection. Maybe you shut down entirely, dissociate feeling flat or unseen. Either way, your body absorbs the same message: I’m alone here.

    Over time, even naming this experience gets harder. At first, you might blame the other trying to explain the pain away. Then you begin to question yourself. Maybe this is just how long-term love works. Maybe I’m being too much. You tell yourself it’s not a big deal, until it is. Shame creeps in. Loneliness becomes harder to admit. You don’t want to rock the boat. So you adjust. You perform connection instead of living it. And slowly, the gap deepens.

    The Small Things That Matter Most

    One factor that shapes this invisible distance is how partners respond to one another’s small “bids” for connection, moments like “look at this,” “can you help me?” or “do you have a sec?” Decades of research by psychologist John Gottman suggests that the most consistent predictor of long-term relationship satisfaction isn’t how often couples have sex or how little they argue – it’s whether they turn toward these bids. When such small gestures go repeatedly unanswered, a subtle erosion of closeness sets in – even if you’re lying side by side in the same bed.

    But there’s a difference between being conflict-free and being connected. One is peacekeeping. The other is peacemaking.

    And yet, this emotional drought is more common than we like to admit.

    Why do people feel lonely in relationships, even ones that seem secure?

    Modern relationships often ask one person to provide what an entire village once did, suggests couples expert Esther Perel: safety, belonging, stimulation, erotic fulfilment, friendship, personal growth. But as she puts it, “Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy.” When we fuse too tightly – out of fear, duty, or habit – intimacy withers. We stop seeing each other clearly. We relate more to roles than to the living, breathing human in front of us.

    Research by biological anthropologist Helen Fisher shows that the brain systems for attachment and desire operate separately. In long-term bonds, we often maintain attachment – shared routines, emotional safety – but lose the spark of novelty that fuels passion. That loss can create a strange kind of emotional drought: we’re not alone, but we feel unlit. And because time together doesn’t automatically equal depth, years can pass while partners quietly drift apart, each assuming the other is fine.

    As therapist, I observe how adult relationship struggles frequently echo unresolved childhood dynamics. Our earliest experiences with caretakers shape our expectations for intimacy, emotional regulation, and communication. When conflicts arise now, they often trigger deeply ingrained survival responses, not just current-day friction. That means we’re not only grappling with unmet needs in the present, but also reliving a familiar script written long ago. 

    Many of my clients are in relationships that “make sense” on paper, because of the kids, the finances, the image – but leave them feeling emotionally starved. They’re are often kind, capable, high-achieving individuals who have internalised the belief that their emotional needs are too much. They mistake endurance for commitment. Silence for harmony. But the hunger for intimacy doesn’t disappear. It just gets buried. 

    Choosing Relationship in an Age of Independence

    Here’s the paradox: we no longer need relationships to survive – at least not if we’re in reasonable secure economic circumstances, and even more so once we’re beyond childbearing age. We can live independently. We can choose freedom. That makes relationships something else: a decision. A choice we make not because we have to, but because we want to. And that means asking: Do I truly want to do the work that being in relationship demands?

    Because partnership isn’t just about comfort. It’s about interdependence. That means weathering conflict, boredom, effort, and showing up anyway. It means taking the beautiful bits alongside the messy ones. Sometimes, it means choosing to stay even when leaving looks easier. And yes, that can be inconvenient. But it also comes with real joy: shared moments of delight, emotional companionship, a stronger shoulder to lean on, someone to laugh with on ordinary days. Sometimes, the effort of two becomes more than one plus one, it becomes something larger. Something shared.

    And yet, the isolation inside relationships often goes unnamed. 

    So where do we begin?

    Repair Begins with Being Real 

    We start by getting honest. Without blame or judgment. Are you performing okay-ness while feeling far from it? Are you shrinking parts of yourself just to keep the peace? Are you pretending not to care when you do? 

    These aren’t flaws. They’re survival strategies. Traces of unmet longing. And they deserve your tenderness.

    Tools like breathwork, movement, grounding, they help us soothe the body so that we can reconnect with our own shutdown parts and speak more clearly.  They’re not quick fixes, but they create a pause. And then, if you can, try speaking not from anger but from longing. Even one moment of real undefended contact between two people can shift something essential.

    Sometimes that moment leads to finding each other again. Or, perhaps, truly seeing each other for the first time. And sometimes, it leads to letting go.

    What matters most is that you don’t lose yourself in while trying to stay loyal to someone else. “Love life more than its logic, for only then will you grasp its meaning”, Dostoyevky once wrote. Let that include your own inner life – the part of you that still hopes, that still longs to be met.

    You are not wrong for wanting closeness. You are not too needy. You are human. And your ache is not weakness – it’s your compass. 

    If you’re reading this and feeling the quiet sting of disconnection – the doubt, the ache, the wondering if closeness is still possible – know this: you’re not alone. Your pain is real. Your longing makes sense. And your capacity to connect hasn’t disappeared. Therapy can be one place to begin again. A relationship where you don’t have to perform, fix, or hold it all together. Where you can just be, curious, honest, human. And in that space, slowly, something begins to repair. Something begins to feel possible again.

     

    This article was written by Veronika Kloucek, Senior Psychotherapist, Trainer, Supervisor

    If this article resonates and you would like to find out how I can help you, contact me to schedule a confidential enquiry call today. I work in private practice and head up The Village Clinic.

     

    References:

    Fisher, H. (2004). Why we love: The nature and chemistry of romantic love. Henry Holt and Company.

    Gottman, J. M., & Gottman, J. S. (2017). The science of couples and family therapy: Behind the scenes at the

    Love Lab. W. W. Norton & Company.

    Perel, E. (2006). Mating in captivity: Unlocking erotic intelligence. Harper.

    Porges, S. W. (2011). The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. W. W. Norton & Company. 

  • Left Behind: The Quiet Pain of Being Single in a Coupled World

    Left Behind: The Quiet Pain of Being Single in a Coupled World

    There’s a kind of loneliness that’s hard to speak about, not because it’s rare, but because it’s so familiar. So woven into our social fabric that it almost becomes invisible. You’re at a dinner party where all the others have paired off, talking about holiday plans or parenting dilemmas. Someone says, “We should do a couples dinner some time,” and you smile and nod, already receding. The conversation moves on. But something inside you quietly contracts.

    Being single in a world that orbits around couples can feel like standing on the outside of a glass dome – present, but not quite included. For many, this isn’t about envy or resentment. It’s about a recurring ache. A sense of being left behind while others move on, hand in hand, booking trips, leaning on each other’s shoulder. You comfort yourself with thoughts of your other single friends and upcoming plans, and still, part of you watches from a distance, unsure where you belong. 

    We are not meant to do this alone

    There’s a reason this hurts. From an evolutionary point of view, we are not designed for disconnection. We are social mammals whose survival has always depended on closeness, proximity and cooperation. Our nervous systems are build to co-regulate. Love, touch, shared sleep – these aren’t just cultural luxuries. They are biological strategies shaped by millions of years of human evolution.

    Despite our immense cognitive development, our prefrontal cortex cannot simply override what is deeply encoded in our biology. As John Bargh’s work on the unconscious mind reminds us, the vast majority of our emotional and behavioural responses happen below the level of awareness. Trying to will ourselves out of the need for connection is not strength. It’s futility. And sometimes, it’s arrogance.

    Yet in modern Western culture, we’ve become increasingly suspicious of closeness. Trust is no longer the default. As Malcolm Gladwell explores in Talking to Strangers, the shift from assuming truth to assuming deception may be a reaction to past overreliance on belief, particularly in eras governed by fundamentalist religion and blind faith. But if our new norm is mistrust, scrutiny, and self-containment, are we actually thriving? Or are we slowly eroding the very fabric that allows us to feel safe and seen?

    There’s a cost to this cultural mistrust. When we stop assuming truth, we sever the bridge to connection. Without trust, intimacy becomes impossible. And without intimacy, we may survive but thriving is much harder. 

    The paradox of privilege

    Of course, being single does bring real freedoms. In the West, those who are economically reasonably secure can choose a single life. We can design our routines, protect our time, invest in our careers, travel alone. We can leave our families and past entanglements behind, and explore the world alone. That freedom is real, and for some, deeply fulfilling, at least up to a point.

    But here’s the paradox. While we idolise self-sufficiency, we quietly punish those who don’t conform to the unspoken rule of pairing up. We glorify independence until the dinner guest list is drawn up or the holidays are planned. Then we return to the gold old logic: pairs, not spares.

    This leaves many people caught in a silent loop. You want the spaciousness and flexibility of single life – control over your space, your time, your energy. But you also long for someone to come home to. We want to have our cake and eat it: full independence and deep intimacy, self-protection and vulnerability. And yet, intimacy requires interdependence. It requires some loss of control. That’s the very thing that makes it meaningful.

    Emotional pain in disguise

    The pain of singlehood often doesn’t arrive as heartbreak. It shows up quietly as low-level anxiety, restlessness, or shame. There’s a quiet sense of falling short, even though your life appears successful and full.

    I work with many high-functioning and emotionally aware clients. Just the other week, someone said to me:

    It’s embarrassing to admit but I think I just don’t know how to really be in a relationship. Or find one at this stage. I thought I did but clearly I’m getting something wrong, they never last.

    And they’re not alone.

    Just to be clear, this isn’t a character flaw. It’s often the result of hidden relational patterns formed long time ago. Perhaps your path was paved with traumatic events, or your early caregiving was inconsistent, emotionally absent, or overwhelming, so much that on an implicit level you never fully got to experience and thus learn how to trust closeness, or how to remain in it once it arrives. Instead, you may have learned to perform, to guard, to protect. These early strategies help us survive but they can leave us ill-equipped for intimacy. We crave closeness but don’t know how to tolerate it. We long to be met but subtly push others away.

    In therapy, we sometimes think of this as difficulty in reaching relational depth – those rare moments Mick Cooper describes, where both people feel fully present, real, and emotionally met; and as with all true connection, it takes two to tango.

    It’s also a reflection of a wider cultural distortion, a society that prizes logic over emotional intelligence, productivity over connection. We know more about our screens than our nervous systems. We have apps for sleep, glucose, and steps but few tools for the slow, messy work of becoming known.

    So when my clients speak of the dread of booking a solo holiday, the sting of being the only one not invited to a “plus one” event, or the ache of returning to a silent flat – it’s not about logistics. It’s about attachment. Our bodies are wired to seek proximity. The nervous system doesn’t easily adapt to prolonged aloneness. Cortisol rises. Sleep becomes fragmented. The amygdala flares, perceiving social exclusion as threat.

    We think we can out-reason this. But the body doesn’t lie. 

    This kind of grief is often invisible. There’s no mourning ritual for the love that hasn’t come, no acknowledgement of the relationships that never had a chance. So we cope: we overwork, scroll, stay busy. But somewhere deep down, we ache, for company, for contact, for continuity.

    And we are not wrong to long for this. Longing is not weakness. It’s the body remembering what it means to feel safe.

    If you’re reading this and feeling the sting of being left out, left behind, or left wondering if you’ll ever be chosen, know this: You are not alone. Your pain is valid. Your longing is human. And your capacity to connect has not expired. Therapy can be one place where that ache begins to be met. A relationship where you are not required to perform, please, or protect. Just to be, curious, gently, honestly. And in that space, something begins to repair.

     

    This article was written by Veronika Kloucek, Senior Psychotherapist, Trainer, Supervisor

    If this article resonates and you would like to find out how I can help you, contact me to schedule a confidential enquiry call today. I work in private practice and head up The Village Clinic.

     

    References:

    Bargh, J. A. (2008). Before You Know It: The Unconscious Reasons We Do What We Do.

    Cacioppo, J. T., & Patrick, W. (2008). Loneliness: Human Nature and the Need for Social Connection. 

    Eisenberger, N. I., & Lieberman, M. D. (2004). Why it hurts to be left out: The neurocognitive overlap between physical and social pain. Trends in Cognitive Sciences, 8(7), 294 to 300.

    Gladwell, M. (2019). Talking to Strangers: What We Should Know About the People We Don’t Know.

    Lieberman, M. D. (2013). Social: Why Our Brains Are Wired to Connect.

    Mearns, D., & Cooper, M. (2018). Working at relational depth in counselling and psychotherapy (2nd ed.). SAGE Publications.

  • Why “Colourblindness” Can Hurt Interracial Relationships

    Why “Colourblindness” Can Hurt Interracial Relationships

    During a recent session, Henry, a white British male client in his late 30s, shared a concern that had been quietly troubling him for months. He described feeling increasingly disconnected from his long-term partner, Amara, a British-born woman of African heritage. (Names and personal details have been changed to protect confidentiality.) In fact, Henry was at the point of questioning whether they “would ever see eye to eye on this” and considered breaking up. Despite five years together, their once-thriving relationship now felt strained. Henry couldn’t pinpoint why, but he described an emotional distance had built up between them that hadn’t been there before.

    As we talked, Henry revealed that he and Amara had always prided themselves on being “colourblind.” Talking about race and cultural differences was “not something we do”.  They had decided that focusing on their love for one another was all that mattered. However, through our sessions, Henry began to see that their ignorance of differences was the driving force in several arguments which had created division between them, rather than harmony. 

    This is a pattern I’ve seen often, especially in interracial couples. The well-intentioned belief in “colourblindness” – the idea that race doesn’t matter or shouldn’t be acknowledged – can unintentionally invalidate the lived experiences of one or both partners. As Robin DiAngelo highlights in White Fragility, avoiding discussions about race often reflects discomfort rather than true equality, and it can lead to unintended harm in relationships.

    What Is “Colourblindness” in Relationships?

    “Colourblindness” refers to the notion of ignoring racial or cultural differences in an attempt to treat everyone equally. While this approach might seem ideal on the surface, it often dismisses the unique experiences, challenges, and identities that come with those differences.

    In relationships, this can mean avoiding conversations about race, culture, or privilege out of fear of conflict or a desire to protect the relationship. For Henry and Amara, it meant they never explored how their backgrounds shaped their views on family, conflict, or even how they experienced the world. Over time, the lack of dialogue became a source of quiet disconnection.

     

    Why “Colourblindness” Can Be Harmful

    1. It Dismisses Identity

    For partners from marginalised racial or cultural groups, avoiding conversations about race can feel like a denial of an essential part of their identity. While one partner may feel that love is enough, the other may experience their silence as invalidation or erasure of their lived experiences.

    1. It Blocks Emotional Intimacy

    True intimacy requires vulnerability, and vulnerability comes from being seen and understood in all aspects of who you are. Ignoring race or culture creates a gap where important conversations about identity, privilege, and values could take place.

    1. It Reinforces Power Dynamics

    White individuals often have the privilege of ignoring race because they don’t experience the same systemic inequities. This dynamic can inadvertently manifest in interracial relationships when one partner avoids race-related topics while the other carries the emotional burden alone.

    1. It Perpetuates Avoidance

    When couples avoid discussions about race or cultural differences, they miss opportunities to address misunderstandings and conflicts head-on. Over time, unspoken tensions can erode trust and connection, and land the couple in a mutual blame game. 

    Steps Toward Building Connection

    If you and your partner have been navigating your relationship through the lens of “colourblindness,” it’s never too late to start having meaningful conversations. Here are some steps to help you move toward greater understanding and connection:

    1. Acknowledge the Elephant in the Room

    Start by admitting that race and culture are important aspects of your relationship. Simply naming the issue can open the door to deeper dialogue. For Henry, this meant telling Amara:

    “I realise now that I’ve avoided conversations about race because I didn’t know how to have them. But I want to understand your experiences better.” 

    1. Educate Yourself

    It’s not your partner’s job to teach you everything about race or culture. Take initiative by reading books like White Fragility or exploring works by authors like Ijeoma Oluo (So You Want to Talk About Race). Educating yourself shows your commitment to the relationship and your partner’s reality.

    1. Listen Without Defensiveness

    When your partner shares their experiences, listen to understand rather than say something about it. Henry realised that when Amara brought up microaggressions she’d faced at work, his tendency to downplay them (saying things like, “Are you sure it wasn’t just a misunderstanding?”) made himself feel better but left her feeling unsupported.

    Instead, validate their feelings by saying something like: “That sounds really difficult. Thank you for sharing that with me.”

    1. Reflect on Your Privilege

    As Robin DiAngelo highlights, understanding privilege isn’t about feeling guilty-it’s about recognising how societal systems have shaped your perspective. Reflect on how your upbringing, race, or culture influences your expectations and behaviours in the relationship. 

    1. Explore Each Other’s Stories

    Ask questions about your partner’s cultural values, family traditions, and experiences growing up. Share your own stories, too. For Henry and Amara, talking about their childhoods helped them understand how their family histories shaped their expectations around gender roles, money, and parenting. Finally, they were able to have some tough conversations and come to some good compromises. 

    1. Embrace the Discomfort

    Talking about race and culture might feel awkward or deeply uncomfortable at first, but growth comes from stepping outside your comfort zone. Remember, these conversations are about deepening your connection-not about being “right.”

     

    Reflections to Try Together

    To get started, consider discussing or journaling these prompts with your partner:

    • What messages did you receive about race and culture growing up?
    • How has your cultural background shaped your values and expectations in relationships?
    • How do you experience privilege or discrimination in your daily life, and how does it affect you?
    • What can we do to honour and celebrate our cultural differences in this relationship?

     

    For Henry and Amara, these reflections became a turning point. Henry learned to approach conversations about race with humility, while Amara began to feel seen and valued in ways she hadn’t before. 

    Interracial relationships, like all relationships, require intentional effort to thrive. Ignoring race and culture might feel easier in the short term, but it can leave unspoken tensions to fester. By embracing these conversations with curiosity and courage, you not only deepen your connection but also honour the fullness of each other’s humanity.

    Growth requires discomfort. The more we’re willing to lean into these dialogues in our ever more global society, the closer we come to creating relationships rooted in understanding, empathy, and love.

    If this article resonates with you and you would like to find out how we can help you or your organisation become a great communicators, schedule a confidential enquiry call today! Veronika Kloucek, Senior Psychotherapist, Trainer, Coach

     

    References:

    Harvey, A. G., & Tang, N. K. Y. (2012). Cognitive behavioural approaches to insomnia. Handbook of Clinical

  • Struggling To Sleep? Here’s How To Rest Easy

    Struggling To Sleep? Here’s How To Rest Easy

    On average, adults require about 7-9 hours of sleep per night. However, contrary to popular belief, you can’t just make up for lost sleep the next day. Studies suggest it can take up to four days to recover from just one hour of lost sleep (Oxford Academic). This lack of sleep can quickly snowball into a larger sleep deficit, significantly impacting your well-being.  

    What is Insomnia?

    More than 35% of adults experience some form of sleeplessness, with the difficulty of achieving deep, restorative sleep often increasing with age. Insomnia becomes a concern when it regularly affects your ability to fall asleep, stay asleep, or wake up feeling rested.

    Insomnia is a sleep disorder that can seriously affect both your day-to-day life and overall quality of life. Not only does it contribute to emotional and mental health challenges, but research shows that people with insomnia may face a higher risk of cognitive decline later in life (AAFP).

    Types of Insomnia

    • Insomnia manifests in various ways and is categorised into:
    • Acute Insomnia: Short-term sleeplessness.
    • Chronic Insomnia: Persistent sleep problems (3+ nights per week for over three months).
    • Onset Insomnia: Difficulty falling asleep.
    • Maintenance Insomnia: Waking up often and struggling to fall back asleep.

    Causes of Insomnia

    Several factors can trigger insomnia, including:

    • Stress and trauma
    • Irregular sleep schedules
    • Lifestyle choices (smoking, alcohol, drugs, jetlag, …)
    • Mental and physical health conditions
    • Certain medications
    • Pregnancy
    • Neurological disorders (Oxford Academic, AAFP)

    8 Tips to Manage Insomnia?

    If insomnia is troubling you, it’s not a lost cause! Implementing the following strategies can help improve your sleep quality.

    1. Environment

    Keeping your room dark and cool promotes better sleep by aligning with your body’s natural sleep-wake cycle. Even small amounts of light from gaps in the curtains can disrupt sleep. Use black out curtains or a sleeping mask. If noise troubles you, use earplugs.

    2. Exercise

    Cycling, jogging, swimming, tennis… whatever gets your heart rate going! Engaging in regular physical activity during the day also helps promote better sleep.

    3. Dinner Time

    Avoid going to bed feeling overly hungry or full. It’s ideal to allow 2-3 hours after dinner before heading to bed. Limiting caffeine and alcohol, especially later in the day, can also significantly improve your sleep quality.

    4. Body Clock

    Stick to a consistent sleep schedule. Go to bed and wake up at the same time every day, even on weekends. Avoid napping during the day, even if you’re tired, to maintain your natural sleep rhythm

    5. Relaxation

    Calming yoga stretches, a bath before bed, breathing exercises, listening to calming music, and other relaxation techniques can prepare your body for sleep.

    6. Unplug

    Using electronic devices before bed can interfere with your circadian rhythm. Blue light emitted from phone screens, tablets, and televisions can suppress melatonin, the hormone that regulates sleep, making it harder for you to fall asleep. Set a digital curfew an hour before bed.

    7. Calm Mind

    Mental health issues such as anxiety and depression are closely linked with insomnia. Managing these conditions can significantly improve sleep quality. If you’re struggling, seeking help from a therapist can make a big difference.

    8. Homeopathy & Medical Help

    Homeopathic remedies can help restore balance and support alongside short-term relief through conventional medicines. If you continue to experience poor sleep despite following these recommendations, it may be time to consult a doctor.

     With the right support, it’s possible to restore your body’s natural ability to rest. Embrace these changes, and you might just find that peaceful, restorative sleep is closer than you think.

    If this article resonates with you and you would like to find out more for yourself or your organisation about how we can help you become a great communicator, schedule a confidential enquiry call today! Veronika Kloucek, Senior Psychotherapist, Trainer, Coach  

     

    References:

    Harvey, A. G., & Tang, N. K. Y. (2012). Cognitive behavioural approaches to insomnia. Handbook of Clinical Neurology, 106, 407 to 416. https://doi.org/10.1016/B978-0-444-52006-7.00035-9

    Krystal, A. D. (2009). Non-benzodiazepine treatment of insomnia. CNS Spectrums, 14(S11), 6-9. https://doi.org/10.1017/S1092852900020696

    Morgenthaler, T., Kramer, M., Alessi, C., Friedman, L., Boehlecke, B., Brown, T., Coleman, J., Kapur, V., Lee-Chiong, T., Owens, J., Pancer, J., & Swick, T. J. (2006). Practice parameters for the psychological and behavioral treatment of insomnia: An update. Sleep, 29(11), 1415-1419. https://doi.org/10.1093/sleep/29.11.1415

    Pigeon, W. R., & Perlis, M. L. (2007). Cognitive behavioral therapy for insomnia. Journal of Clinical Sleep Medicine, 3(1), 44-49. https://doi.org/10.5664/jcsm.26773

    Winkelman, J. W., & Insana, S. P. (2022). Sleep disorders. The New England Journal of Medicine, 386(3), 263-274. https://doi.org/10.1056/NEJMra2113643

  • Is Stress Good or Bad?

    Is Stress Good or Bad?

    Often framed as a foe, stress has become synonymous with anxiety and ill health. Yet, stress is a natural response intricately woven into our biology. When faced with challenges, our bodies engage the fight-or-flight response, flooding us with adrenaline and sharpening our focus. This acute stress can spur us into action, enhancing performance in critical moments. 

    However, the dichotomy between beneficial and harmful stress is crucial. Chronic stress, stemming from relentless daily pressures, can wreak havoc on our well-being. When the stress response lingers without reprieve, it can lead to debilitating fatigue, anxiety, and even chronic health issues, such as cardiovascular disease and weakened immunity.

    So, what is good stress that drives peak performance?

    Understanding the hypothalamic-pituitary-adrenal (HPA) Axis, which lies at the heart of our stress response, is critical. Part of the endocrine system it connects the hypothalamus, pituitary gland, and adrenal glands, orchestrating the release of stress hormones like cortisol.

    Understanding the HPA Axis

    When the brain perceives a threat or stressor (physical, psychological, or environmental), the hypothalamus is activated and releases corticotrophin-releasing hormone (CRH) and, in some cases, arginine vasopressin (AVP). These hormones travel through the bloodstream to the pituitary gland which, in turn, releases adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH). This hormone travels via the bloodstream to the adrenal cortex (part of the adrenal glands), stimulating the release of glucocorticoids, primarily cortisol, which is the body’s primary stress hormone.

    In short, in acute stress, cortisol helps mobilise energy by regulating the metabolism mobilising glucose, fats, and amino acids. It has also anti-inflammatory effects, suppressing immune system activity when needed. Once the stressor is resolved, cortisol signals the hypothalamus and pituitary gland to down regulate CRH and ACTH production, effectively reducing cortisol release to restore balance.

    Being in the zone

    You are at your best in a state of flow when you are functioning at your highest capacity, both mentally and physically. In this state, tasks are often performed with efficiency, focus, and optimal use of skills, energy, and attention. Achieving peak performance means that mental focus, emotional regulation, and physical readiness are optimised. Characteristics include:

    • Physical Readiness: This involves the body being in optimal condition to handle the demands placed on it, whether through fitness, endurance, strength, or flexibility.
    • Mental Focus: A high degree of concentration, often leading to what athletes call “the zone,” where distractions fade and the individual is entirely absorbed in the task at hand.
    • Emotional Regulation: Managing emotions, such as stress or anxiety, in a way that supports focus and performance rather than hinders it.
    • Recovery: Peak performance is supported by proper rest and recovery, as sustained high performance cannot occur without periods of renewal.

    When does stress become bad?

    While the HPA axis is crucial for short-term adaptation to stress, chronic stress can lead to dysregulation of this system. Dysregulation is marked by elevated cortisol over prolonged periods which can lead to a variety of physical and mental health issues, including:

    • Immune system suppression
    • Increased risk of cardiovascular disease
    • Mood disorders, such as anxiety and depression
    • Cognitive decline, due to cortisol’s negative impact on the hippocampus, a region involved in learning and memory.

    Finding Balance

    The challenge lies in recognising the nuances of stress. While manageable stress can act as a springboard for personal growth and achievement, it is imperative to develop strategies that foster relaxation and resilience. Mindfulness, exercise, and social support can mitigate the adverse effects of chronic stress, helping us regain control over our lives.

    Ultimately, understanding stress as a double-edged sword allows us to harness its potential while safeguarding our mental and physical health. By cultivating a balanced perspective, we can navigate life’s complexities with greater ease and emerge stronger from the trials we face.

    So, is stress good or bad then? 

    In essence, stress is neither inherently good nor bad; it is our response to it that shapes our experience. Embracing its challenges while actively seeking out practices to soothe and replenish ourselves can lead to a healthier, more fulfilling life. In this way, we transform stress from an adversary into a catalyst for growth, resilience, and ultimately, well-being.

     

    If this article resonates with you and you would like to find out more for yourself or your organisation about how we can help you become a great communicator, schedule a confidential enquiry call today! Veronika Kloucek, Senior Psychotherapist, Trainer, Coach  

     

    References:

    Heim, C., & Binder, E. B. (2012). Current research trends in early life stress and depression: Review of human studies on sensitive periods, gene-environment interactions, and epigenetics. Experimental Neurology, 233(1), 102-111.

    Herman, J. P., & Cullinan, W. E. (1997). Neurocircuitry of stress: Central control of the hypothalamo-pituitary-adrenocortical axis. Trends in Neurosciences, 20(2), 78-84. 

    McEwen, B. S. (2007). Physiology and neurobiology of stress and adaptation: Central role of the brain. Physiological Reviews, 87(3), 873-904. 

    McMorris, T., & Hale, B. J. (2012). Is there an acute exercise-induced physiological/biochemical threshold which triggers increased speed of cognitive functioning? A meta-analytic investigation. Journal of Sport and Health Science, 1(1), 11-20. 

    Sapolsky, R. M. (2000). Glucocorticoids and hippocampal atrophy in neuropsychiatric disorders. Archives of General Psychiatry, 57(10), 925-935. 

  • Talking is Silver…

    Talking is Silver…

    In both my coaching and therapeutic work, communication is a regular topic. Recently, silence and the discomfort that it brings for many people has featured in several conversations prompting me to share some thoughts and my favourite poem below. 

    The struggle with silence is a profound and often lonely experience for many. Whether it’s dealing with societal expectations or the fear of being vulnerable, the pressure to maintain a facade of strength and positivity can lead to a silent battle with anxiety and depression.

    In my experience there is increasing recognition of the power of silence and vulnerability, allowing for introspection, creativity, and the reshaping of personal narratives. However, the fear of silence and the need to constantly fill it with intentional sounds is often an unsettling reality in our social media driven constant-posting world.

    Silence is multifaceted. It encompasses not only the absence of sound but also the unspoken words, non-verbal communication, and the power dynamics associated with it. While silence can be empowering in certain contexts, such as allowing space for others to speak, it can also perpetuate suffering and injustice when used to suppress voices and maintain the status quo.

    Embracing silence as a creative choice and a source of strength requires a shift in perspective, particularly in leadership roles, where active listening and vulnerability can lead to transformative outcomes for individuals and the organisation. The same principle applies for personal and romantic relationships. 

     

    On Talking by Kahlil Gibran

    You talk when you cease to be at peace with your thoughts;
    And when you can no longer dwell in the solitude of your heart you live in your lips, and sound is a diversion and a pastime;
    And in much of your talking, thinking is half murdered.
    For thought is a bird of space, that in a cage of words may indeed unfold its wings but cannot fly.

    There are those among you who seek the talkative through fear of being alone.
    The silence of aloneness reveals to their eyes their naked selves and they would escape.
    And there are those who talk, and without knowledge or forethought reveal a truth which they themselves do not understand;
    And there are those who have the truth within them, but they tell it not in words.
    In the bosom of such as these the spirit dwells in rhythmic silence.

    When you meet your friend on the roadside or in the market place, let the spirit in you move your lips and direct your tongue.
    Let the voice within your voice speak to the ear or his ear;
    For his soul will keep the truth of your heart as the taste of the wine is remembered
    When the colour is forgotten and the vessel is no more.

     

    Many people struggle with silence. Empower your journey toward success in personal and professional relationships by talking with me about your relationship with silence to build stronger connections, foster collaboration, and confidently navigate the diverse landscapes of communication. Remember, your words shape the world around you, and effective communication is the key to unlocking your full potential.

    By taking action, you create a workplace culture and personal relationships that value and prioritise the mental and physical health of individuals leading to improved communication, enhanced collaboration, and greater overall well-being for everyone involved.

    how we can help you become a great communicator, schedule a confidential enquiry call today! Veronika Kloucek, Senior Psychotherapist, Trainer, Coach
  • Let’s Talk! Effective Communication Skills

    Let’s Talk! Effective Communication Skills

    Are you a good communicator? Do you wonder if you could be better? 

    Good communicators can both listen and talk. They can stay present, patient, and engaged in the conversation. Being a good communicator requires you to be able to remain connected to yourself and to the other person – it is not an either/or scenario.

    In my work within organisations and couples in therapy, communication skills are usually most sought after. They are essential for good long term relationships and teams alike. They make the difference between connected, agile teams, families, and couples, and those who fail to collaborate, stay aligned, and achieve common goals.

    The good news is that improving communication skills is easier than you might imagine. Here are some basic principles for the workplace worth following in order to communicate better. You can adapt them for your personal conversations. 

    1. Active Listening

    Arguably the bedrock of effective communication, active listening demands full engagement with the speaker. It means to suspend the self-talk in your own head to pay attention to what is said both through language in words and conveyed through non-verbal communication in tone, feelings, and body language.

    Imagine a scenario where a team member is detailing a project update that you feel is long overdue. Instead of preparing your response while they are talking, focus on understanding their key points and emotions. Before leaping into your own perspective, let them know that you have understood their perspective.

    For example, you could respond with, “I recognise the pressure you were under to deliver this project and appreciate your insights on this aspect of it. This clarifies our direction”. Having felt heard, your listener will now be more open to listening to your perspective.

    2. Clear Articulation

    Clarity is crucial in communication. Picture yourself explaining a complex idea to a team member. Rather than using convoluted language, keep it simple and break down the concept without being patronising. “Okay, let me clarify this point further: essentially, our goal is to streamline the process, ensuring efficiency across all phases”.

    3. Non-Verbal Communication

    Non-verbal cues are potent communicators. It is estimated that approximately 90% of our language is non-verbal. Just think about your body language, facial expression, tone and pace of voice, eye contact, hand gestures… Non-verbal cues are picked up both consciously and unconsciously.

    For example, when spoken words don’t align with non-verbal communication we may feel confused. Your body gives you away just as much as it can help you. For example, when you feel down you might hunch your back. Also, when you hunch your back you might feel more down. When you stand up tall and pull your shoulders back, there is a good likelihood that you will feel more uplifted and confident. 

    So envisage giving a presentation where you demonstrate confidence in an open body language that aligns with your spoken words. This synergy reinforces your message. A firm handshake, maintained eye contact, and a welcoming smile all contribute to a positive non-verbal communication experience.

    4. Empathy in Communication

    Empathy makes us feel connected as human beings. Whether in the workplace or in personal relationships, empathy is never amiss and does not take up much time. Suppose a peer is going through a tough time. You can express empathy simply by saying, “It sounds like this is a really challenging situation for you.” This response not only acknowledges their emotions but also deepens your connection.

    5. Feedback

    Constructive feedback fuels growth. Learning to give and receive feedback in a non-judgmental, productive way is an essential skill. It starts with the understanding that feedback is not meant to be a character assassination or negative criticism.

    Consider a team member challenging your approach offering controversial suggestions on a project. Acknowledge their input by saying, “I appreciate your perspective. Let’s think together about how we could integrate these aspects to enhance the project’s overall effectiveness.” This response demonstrates receptiveness to constructive feedback.

    6. Adaptability and Cultural Sensitivity

    Different cultures have different preferences in communications styles. Being able to adapt your communication style is essential in diverse environments.  

    Envisage a scenario where you are discussing a project with a multicultural team. Use questions rather than assumptions to open a conversation that enables members to present different views. “Let’s consider various perspectives on this matter. How does this align with you? What would need to change for you to get behind this?”

    7. Conflict Resolution Skills

    Conflict is a natural part of collaboration. Picture a disagreement in a meeting. Stay calm and say, “I understand there are differing opinions. Let’s find common ground that benefits the entire team.” This approach demonstrates effective conflict resolution, fostering a positive team dynamic.

    Empower your journey toward success in personal and professional relationships by integrating these tangible communication strategies into your daily interactions to build stronger connections, foster collaboration, and confidently navigate the diverse landscapes of communication. Remember, your words shape the world around you, and effective communication is the key to unlocking your full potential.

    By taking action, you create a workplace culture and personal relationships that value and prioritise the mental and physical health of individuals leading to improved communication, enhanced collaboration, and greater overall well-being for everyone involved.   

    how we can help you become a great communicator, schedule a confidential enquiry call today! Veronika Kloucek, Senior Psychotherapist, Trainer, Coach
  • Test Yourself: Burnout Self Assessment

    Test Yourself: Burnout Self Assessment

    Burnout can affect anyone, from savvy professionals in high-pressure jobs to people in the helping professions and students. Individual factors, such as personality traits and family life, make some people more prone to experience burnout.

    Do you worry if you or one of your employees is on a fast trajectory to burnout?

    This Self Assessment can help identify your level of Burnout. It consists of 6 short sections and will take 3-5 minutes. Please note, your result is not a diagnosis.

    Ready to start?

     

    If you find you would like to find out more for yourself or your organisation about how we can help you reduce your stress and beat burnout, schedule a confidential enquiry call today! schedule a confidential enquiry call today!

    Veronika Kloucek, Senior Psychotherapist, Trainer, Coach

     

  • 5 Instant Ways To Calm Down

    5 Instant Ways To Calm Down

    Clients often ask me how to calm down overwhelm and deal with a frantic mind.

    What you can do in the moment to regain control in a tense, high anxiety state is different from learning techniques to better manage your stress long-term. The latter will enable you to become emotionally more flexible and resilient so that you are better equipped to deal with stressful situations.

    Some good longer term stress management skills to build over time are carving out ‘me’ time, taking a walk, practicing mindfulness or yoga, and practicing abdominal or diaphragmatic breathing techniques.

    How to snap out of an emotional storm?

    Something pushed you over the edge. You are feeling upset, or angry, or frightened to be rejected again. Maybe your boss just brought the deadline forward, or your spouse rubbed you the wrong way, or your kids are screaming at each other again. Maybe regretful thoughts over a painful breakup have taken over, or you are obsessing over who to invite to your upcoming birthday party… Whatever it is, you need to snap out of it right now!

    In a high anxiety state of dysregulation your nervous system has entered the sympathetic “fight or flight” mode, which makes it hard to think straight.

    Here are five instant techniques that can switch your body’s parasympathetic “rest and digest” mode back on helping you to calm down when you feel on edge. Not all these ways will resonate and work for everyone all the time. Different methods may work at different times. 

    1. ‘Name it to tame it’ says Dr. Dan Siegel referring to the importance of labelling the accurate emotion that you are feeling which will allow you to process it properly. The trick is to really stay with it without needing the emotion to change immediately. You can use your physical sensations as a start. For example, noticing and sensing into the tension in the abdomen or into the tightness in the throat.

    2. Move to complete the “fight or flight” reaction. For example, jumping up and down, dancing, jogging in place, or vigorously shaking arms and legs, will let the nervous system know that the “fight or flight” cycle is completed, and it can switch on the “rest and digest” mode.

    3. Use cold water or ice snap you out. Cold stimulates the activation of the vagus nerve, which controls the parasympathetic branch that is responsible for “rest and digest”. Drinking iced water, splashing cold water on the face, or using an ice roller on your wrists can interrupt the high anxiety state, research suggests.

    4. Humming stimulates the Vagus nerve. As yogis might know from experience and studies indicate, humming or om-ing produces a soothing frequency inside the embodied mind which increases heart rate variability thereby calming the nervous system.

    5. A distraction technique redirects your mind towards any simple activity and away from your current upsetting emotions. For example, count (e.g. count backwards from 100 in threes, or count tiles on a floor), or list names of towns beginning with a certain letter, or name the colour of all things you can see.

    I haven’t yet mentioned breathing. Clients often roll their eyes with frustration when I mention the breath reporting that it just hasn’t helped at all whenever they tried taking a few deep breaths to relax. Indeed, just taking a few breaths that might not even be at a slower than normal breathing pace, will certainly not whether an emotional storm.

    Understanding the basic principles of how the breath works on the nervous system is essential in successfully using the breath to regulate emotions and taking back control. So whilst it is a very powerful technique, it takes a little practice to be able to apply it when you need it.

    You can read this article to learn more about diaphragmatic breathing » 

    If this article resonates with you and you would like to find out more for yourself or your organisation about how we can help you increase your stress resilience and help prevent burnout, schedule a confidential enquiry call today!

    Veronika Kloucek, Senior Psychotherapist, Trainer, Coach

     

  • Connecting With Your Inner Child

    Connecting With Your Inner Child

    The Inner Child is a symbolic representation of the childlike aspects of one’s psyche. The concept is often used to help personal growth in the healing process from unresolved past experiences or trauma.

    Fostering a deeper understanding of yourself, emotional resilience and wellbeing, this self-discovery tool can help explore and integrate emotions, memories, and experiences from childhood, both positive and negative.

    Sometimes offered as a meditative practice alongside therapy, it involves connecting with, nurturing, and integrating the inner child aspects of self. Usually it involves elements of:

    • Relaxation
    • Visualization
    • Communication
    • Compassion

    How often should I practice?

    The frequency of practicing this meditation varies from person to person. Some may choose to incorporate it into their daily routine, while others might engage in it periodically, such as weekly or monthly, or on occasion. 

    The choice of frequency depends on personal preferences, the specific goals of the practice, and how it fits into your overall approach to well-being. It is essential to listen to your own needs and find a pace that feels comfortable for you.

    If you have specific concerns or issues you are working through, it’s always a good idea to approach such practices with an open mind and consult with a mental health professional.

    The following Inner Child Meditation is a practice that you can try on your own:

    If this article resonates with you and you would like to find out more for yourself or your organisation about how we can help you increase your stress resilience and help prevent burnout, schedule a confidential enquiry call today!

    Veronika Kloucek, Senior Psychotherapist, Trainer, Coach

     

  • Interpersonal Dynamics in Corporate Teams and Personal Relationships

    Interpersonal Dynamics in Corporate Teams and Personal Relationships

    Navigating interpersonal dynamics is an integral part of our daily existence, impacting us both in professional settings and within our personal lives. These dynamics are omnipresent, and while some individuals flourish in their relationships, others view interactions with people as a precarious endeavour.

    What factors contribute to healthy relationship dynamics, enabling some individuals to thrive, while leaving others feeling they merely endure interpersonal connections?

     

    Attachment Theory

    Attachment theory has been instrumental in understanding the dynamics of human relationships and how early experiences shape our personality. Its principles are equally relevant and illuminating when it comes to understanding interpersonal dynamics in corporate teams and personal relationships.

    How can the essential concepts of attachment theory be applied to improve teamwork, communication, and overall harmony in both professional and personal contexts?

    To learn more about the attachments styles matrix and the four primary styles read this article.

     

    Impact on Team Dynamics

    1. Recognising Attachment Styles:

    In a corporate setting, understanding the default attachment styles of team members, which tend to effect them most when stressed under pressure, can help leaders and colleagues work more effectively together. Identifying each team member’s attachment style can guide more effective communication and conflict resolution strategies.

    2. Creating a Secure Work Environment:

    Leaders can foster a secure work environment by providing consistent support, encouragement, and clear expectations. This can help employees with anxious or avoidant attachment styles feel more comfortable and engaged.

    3. Encouraging Collaboration:

    Autonomous (secure) team members tend to be emotionally flexible, thus more open to collaboration and constructive feedback. Encouraging collaboration can help create a more cohesive and productive team.

    4. Addressing Conflict:

    Conflict resolution strategies can be tailored to individuals’ attachment styles. For example, team members with a preoccupied (anxious) style may benefit from reassurance and validation, while those with a dismissing style may need space and independence to solve issues on their own and return with solutions.

    Impact on Personal Relationships

    1. Self-Awareness:

    Understanding your attachment style and that of your partner is essential for building a healthy personal relationship. It can help you recognise your own needs and those of your partner, fostering empathy and communication.

    2. Communication:

    Open and honest communication is key to any successful relationship. Knowing your attachment style can help you in finding words and ways to express your needs and fears more effectively and understand your partner’s perspective, how they reach out, and what they try to communicate to you.

    3. Embracing Vulnerability:

    Creating a safe space where both partners can share their feelings and concerns without fear of judgment is essential for a happy and healthy relationship. Emotional vulnerability means to share the bare pain, what really hurts. Vulnerability is not an explanation or justification. 

    An autonomous (secure) partner’s emotional flexibility encourages trust and emotional vulnerability. Partners with a preoccupied tendency can mistake vulnerability for letting their partner know all their feelings and be upset by their partner’s boundaries. Dismissing partners tend not keep their innermost feelings to themselves and be upset by their partner’s curiosity which they can experience as intrusive. 

    4. Seeking Professional Help:

    If attachment-related issues persist or lead to conflicts in personal relationships, seeking couples counselling can be highly beneficial. A trained therapist can offer a third perspective helping each partner where they miss the other and discover what they might be needing to work on themselves and together to develop healthier relationship dynamics.

     

    By taking action, you create a workplace culture and personal relationships that value and prioritise the mental and physical health of individuals leading to improved communication, enhanced collaboration, and greater overall well-being for everyone involved. 

     

    If this article resonates with you and you would like to find out more for yourself or your organisation about how we can help you increase your stress resilience and help prevent burnout, schedule a confidential enquiry call today!

    Veronika Kloucek, Senior Psychotherapist, Trainer, Coach

  • Preventing Burnout: 13 Essential Strategies

    Preventing Burnout: 13 Essential Strategies

    Burnout has become an all-too-common experience for many. Juggling work, personal life, and various responsibilities can take a toll on our physical and mental well-being. By implementing effective strategies, we can proactively prevent burnout and cultivate a more balanced and fulfilling life.

    How do I know if I have burnout?

    Burnout symptoms manifest in different ways for individuals. Most common symptoms in the early stages include increased irritability or physical exhaustion. In later stages of burnout many people report a mix of emotional, physical and behavioural signs, such as for example:

    – Reduced performance (maybe making more mistakes, or being less efficient)
    – Increased absenteeism
    – Tendency to isolate self

    You can read about the 7 Warning Signs of Burnout here »

    How to Prevent Burnout?

    On a personal level, avoiding burnout requires you to be aware of what factors increase your stress and then take action to reduce that stress or improve your stress management. At an organisational level, taking responsibility to reduce vulnerability to burnout for employees should be a top priority in wellbeing programs. 

    Here are my 13 tips for preventing burnout:

    1. Identify Your Stressors
    Usually work stress accumulates over time. Identify areas in your work life that cause you the most stress and understand the factors that drive stress in this area to help you manage and perhaps implement changes.

    2. Maintain Realistic Expectations
    Understand your limitations and recognise that doing most things 80% perfectly is enough. Focus on progress rather than perfection and celebrate your achievements along the way. Be kind and forgiving to yourself when faced with setbacks.

    3. Learn About Stress
    Familiarising yourself the stress cycle in your body-mind system will help you identify your physical signs of stress thereby enabling you to facilitate proactively stress relief. Remember, stress was evolutionarily designed to keep us safe (fight/flight/freeze response). Read up here »

    4. Real or Imagined Threats
    Your embodied stress response system does not distinguish between physical, emotional, and psychological threats. All concerns are treated the same, such as when you worry about the consequences of a mistake you made.

    5. The Power of your Breath
    By changing your breath, slowing down for a few breaths, you manipulate your nervous system, initiating the relaxation response that counteracts your stress response. By changing your bodily state and attending with compassion to your racing mind, you can with time become able to change your stressed mind state as well. Read up on a breathing exercise here »

    6. Address your Stress before Dealing with the Stressor
    Under stress we rarely make wise decisions. Before addressing the stressor, for example a boss or co-worker who sent you over the edge, you first need to calm yourself down otherwise you might end up over-reacting to your detriment.

    7. Manage Time Wisely
    Prioritise tasks based on their importance and urgency. Break larger projects into smaller, manageable steps, delegate more where possible, and don’t be afraid to say no when resources are too scarce. Remember to schedule regular breaks to recharge your batteries.

    8. Cultivate Healthy Habits
    Maintain a nutritious diet, stay hydrated, and limit excessive caffeine or alcohol consumption. Engage in hobbies and activities that bring you joy and allow you to disconnect from work-related stressors.

    9. Set Clear Boundaries
    Learn to set clear boundaries between your personal and professional life. Avoid overworking and clearly communicate your limits and needs to others.

    10. Practice Stress Management Techniques
    Explore various stress management techniques to find what works best for you. Deep breathing exercises, journaling, practicing yoga, or engaging in creative outlets can help reduce stress levels and restore inner balance. Find activities that help you relax and unwind from daily pressures.

    11. Disconnect from Technology
    Constant connectivity can contribute to burnout. Set boundaries with technology by designating specific times to disconnect. Create tech-free zones or implement digital detox periods to give your mind a break from the constant flow of information.

    12. Seek Support
    Reach out to friends, family, trusted colleagues, or professionals when you notice you are struggling. Seeking support when in need is a sign of strength, not a weakness. Building a strong support system can provide valuable guidance, encouragement, and perspective during challenging times.

    13. Prioritise Self-Care
    Make time for activities that bring you joy and nourish your mind, body, and soul. Take regular breaks and engage in regular exercise (cardio, strengthening, and flexibility), practice relaxation techniques (mindfulness meditation) to give your nervous system a break, and ensure you get enough restful sleep. Self-care is not selfish; it is essential for your overall well-being.

     

    If this article resonates with you and you would like to find out more for yourself or your organisation about how we can help you increase your stress resilience and help prevent burnout, schedule a confidential enquiry call today!

    Veronika Kloucek, Senior Psychotherapist, Trainer, Coach

  • Understanding Burnout: Symptoms and Causes

    Understanding Burnout: Symptoms and Causes

    Burnout has been a prevalent issue in our fast-paced and demanding world, and post-pandemic it has made an even stronger comeback. A state of chronic physical and emotional exhaustion, burnout can have severe and sometimes life-changing consequences on your mental, emotional, and physical well-being.

    Do you worry if you or one of your employees is on a fast trajectory to burnout?

    Read on to learn about symptoms and causes of this modern epidemic. What is burnout, what causes burnout, how you recognise whether you suffer from burnout, and how you can prevent it?

    What is Burnout?

    Burnout is currently not characterised as a condition in the DSM-5. However, the World Health Organization recognises burnout as an important occupational phenomenon under the category of “factors influencing health status or contact with health services” in the ICD-11. 

    It is a relentless type of work-related stress that’s way beyond simply feeling tired or stressed; it is an overwhelming sense of depletion, a state of physical and/or emotional exhaustion that involves a sense of reduced accomplishment and loss of personal identity.

    Burnout can result from chronic workplace or personal stress. Often it occurs alongside or is disguised by depression and/or anxiety. It occurs when an individual feels emotionally drained, experiences a diminished sense of accomplishment, and develops cynicism or detachment from their work or personal life.

    Burnout can affect anyone, from savvy professionals in high-pressure jobs to people in the helping professions and students. Individual factors, such as personality traits and family life, make some people more prone to experience burnout.

    Causes and Warning Signs of Burnout

    Infographic Burnout Symptoms

    Burnout Warning Signals

    Several factors contribute to the development of burnout, including excessive workload, lack of control over resources you need to do your work, or inability to influence decisions that affect your job, unclear or shifting expectations, insufficient support, dysfunctional workplace dynamics, highly stressful or very monotonous jobs that require constant focus and energy, work-life imbalance, and high job demands.

    Some common warning signs of burnout include:

    • Being more cynical or critical
    • Finding it difficult to get started with work
    • Irritability or impatience
    • Low energy, persistent fatigue, decreased motivation and inconsistent productivity, detachment from responsibilities
    • Difficulty focussing and maintaining concentration
    • Low job satisfaction, negative outlook on life
    • Weight gain/loss, turning to substances (drugs, alcohol), physical issues (headaches, stomach aches)
    • Trouble sleeping

    It’s important to recognise these signs early on to prevent further escalation.

    How does Burnout impact Physical and Mental Health?

    Burnout takes a toll on both physical and mental health. Physically, it can manifest as:

    • Chronic fatigue
    • Frequent headaches
    • Disrupted sleep patterns
    • Weakened immune system
    • and increased susceptibility to illnesses.

    Mentally, burnout can lead to:

    • Anxiety
    • Depression
    • Feelings of emptiness
    • Difficulty concentrating
    • and a loss of passion or interest in activities that were once enjoyable.

    You can read more about the impact of chronic stress here »

    In summary, burnout is a significant concern that affects people across various domains of life. Recognising the signs and taking proactive steps to address and prevent burnout is crucial for maintaining overall well-being and quality of life.

    Learn more about How to Prevent Burnout here »

    By taking action, you can combat burnout and create a culture that values and prioritises the mental and physical health of individuals. Remember, taking care of yourself is not selfish but essential for long-term happiness and success!

    If this article resonates with you and you would like to find out more for yourself or your organisation about how we can help you increase your stress resilience and help prevent burnout, schedule a confidential enquiry call today!

    Veronika Kloucek, Senior Psychotherapist, Trainer, Lecturer

    References:

  • How to Find the Right Therapist?

    How to Find the Right Therapist?

    What do the letters behind therapists’ names mean? How many sessions will I need? What kind of therapy is right for me?  

    Finding the right therapist is paramount to the success of your therapy, one might argue. Nobody wants to start and stop and start again in this already uncomfortable, to say the least, endeavour. Whilst it is not difficult to find a therapist these days, thanks to Google & Co, it remains challenging to decipher the many letters behind their names and to decide which one to go for – apart from liking their picture and location perhaps.

    Here are a few points to consider when looking for a therapist privately:

    a) Theoretical Orientation
    b) Qualification
    c) Psychotherapist, Counsellor, Counselling Psychologist or Clinical Psychologist 
    d) Frequency, Regularity
    e) Treatment Length
    f) Financial Sustainability
    g) Shortlisting
    h) Chemistry! 

     

    Theoretical Orientation

    It can be confusing and frustrating to wade through this jungle. There is no right or wrong therapeutic approach. It is more like tackling issues from different angles sometimes also in different ways.

    For example, I work with an integrative relational approach. In short, it takes into account unconscious psychodynamics whilst also drawing on cognitive behavioural methods. You can read more about what this means here.

    You might also find that many therapists have undertaken more than one training.

    Qualification

    In the UK, counselling and psychotherapy are not protected professions. This means anybody can register themselves as a therapist. Scary.

    To ensure your therapist is properly qualified check that they are accredited (not just a registered member) with one of the following governing bodies: UKCP (United Kingdom Council for Psychotherapy), HCPC (Health & Care Professions Council), BACP (Member of the British Association for Counselling & Psychotherapy), or BPC (British Psychoanalytic Council). 

    This will ensure that your therapist has undergone many hours of rigorous training and supervised clinical practice before they receive their accreditation status. 

    Psychotherapist, Counsellor, Counselling Psychologist or Clinical Psychologist

    An psychotherapy accreditation with UKCP, BACP or BPC means that your therapist has had personal therapy, which enables them to know what’s yours, and what’s theirs, and how each might effect the other.

    Clinical psychologists accredited with BPS (British Psychological Society) may or may not have had any therapy themselves as part of their training requirement. However, they too would have undertaken a significant amount of supervised practice and may utilise a variety of therapeutic approaches. 

    Frequency & Regularity

    Generally, high frequency does not equal getting there faster. There are differing theoretical principles underpinning the variety in frequency and recommended treatment length.

    For example, a Psychoanalytic psychotherapist would see patients 3-5 times a week, a Psychodynamic or Integrative Relational psychotherapist might see patients once or twice a week, CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) treatment may take place irregularly for a limited number of sessions, and DIT (Dynamic Integrative Therapy) is usually 16 weekly sessions.

    Most relational therapists work with regular session as this tends to best support unconscious emotional processing. Volatility in regularity and frequency can seem unimportant but often turn out to be stifling the progress.

    Treatment Length

    Length of treatment usually depends on complexity. This means the more factors that impact on a problem, the more aspects there are to discuss, the more time is required. 

    When you seek therapy for a particular reason (presenting issue), for example a bereavement or being signed off work for stress, your therapist might suggest a certain number of sessions (time-limited episodic treatment is the term in psych-speak). When during treatment you discover that more issues connect to the presenting issue, the contracted length of treatment may be renegotiated.

    Exploring in-depth what makes life difficult for you and work out how to achieve your goals is usually helped by not setting a time limit. In this case an open-ended treatment plan is agreed. Some therapists may suggest a minimum time commitment to assess the effectiveness of the work.

    Most open-ended contract endings are negotiated in a conversation between you and your therapist, whereas time-limited agreements are defined in length from the onset. 

    Financial Sustainability

    Making therapy sustainable over the entire treatment period is arguably the most important point. Therefore, it is always best to discuss this right at the beginning and get an understanding about cancellation and holiday policies. Therapists, like other professionals, tend to raise their fees occasionally and this is something you will want to understand and take into account. Equally, sometimes life changes may occur that make a renegotiation of a contract inevitable.

    If money is of the essence, some therapists offer lower-cost arrangements and there are several low-cost services in London who offer subsidised therapy.

    Shortlisting from Online Directories

    Let’s face it, wading throught the jungle of online therapy directories can be tiresome and the temptation to choose quickly based on location is high. However, you are entrusting your therapist to help you with what’s most pressing for you so it might be worth taking some time for the selection process.

    As mentioned above, always cross-reference with the accrediting bodies and maybe check out their private websites (like this one). There are more directories available, Google can help you find them, these are my recommendations:

    Chemistry!

    To get a sense of how a therapist works and discuss some of the above, make a shortlist and arrange for a brief initial phone or video call. Most therapists will offer this for free. Sometimes just hearing them talk can give you an indication of whether you feel you’ll be able to work with them, and that’s ultimately most important.

    “Courage is the Commitment to Beginn without the Guarantee of Success.”– Johann Wolfang von Goethe

  • Dealing with Stress and Overwhelm

    Dealing with Stress and Overwhelm

    These days chronic stress and anxiety are common in our fast-paced world and this comes at a high cost to our mind and body. Learn how to recognise overwhelming stress and anxiety, and discover ways to cope better.

    The HPA-Axis

    HPA stands for Hypothalamus – Pituitary Gland – Adrenal Glands

    We live in a fast paced culture that is dominated by thinking and doing. Just trying to keep up with life whilst juggling work, home, social commitments and finances can be stress provoking. When our body perceives stress it reacts with the fight/flight survival mechanism, by activating the Sympathetic Nervous System.

    It goes like this: When the brain perceives danger, for example you hear a loud sound, it releases a neurotransmitter, the corticotropin-releasing factor (CRF) from the hypothalamus that binds to the nearby pituitary gland, which sits just underneath the brain. Subsequently, the pituitary gland releases adrenocorticotropic hormone (ACTH), which travels through your body to the adrenal glands. Your adrenals sit roughly on top of the kidneys and they send off a number of chemical compounds into our bloodstream:

    • adrenaline (epiphrine),
    • noradrenaline (norepiphrine)
    • and cortisol.

    Their immediate distribution has a high impact on the body. As the levels of cortisol in your bloodstream increase, multiple systems are affected, preparing your body to either fight or flee the dangerous situation. Your heart starts to pound faster, you start to sweat, your blood pressure rises, your breath quickens, your muscles get ready for action and movement and your senses become sharper (NIH, 2002). At the same time as your sympathetic nervous system is activated, blood is withdrawn from your digestive and immune system. 

    Now, if a fire has activated your Sympathetic Nervous System, run! 

    Good or bad stress?

    Unfortunately, your body cannot differentiate between types of stress. Whether the loud noise was motorcycle racing past your window, a work deadline, or an argument with your loved one, the HPA axis is equally triggered.

    Your body does not make a distinction between physical and psychological or emotional threats. It will react in the same way as if we were facing a real life-or-death situation.

    Why is prolongned stress bad?

    Our body is not designed to be on alert for extended periods. When we don’t find a way to calm down and release before the next stress cycle kicks in, our sympathetic nervous system gets stuck in a feedback loop whereby adrenalin and cortisol are picked up by the hypothalamus over and over, re-triggering cycles thereby putting our system on chronic overdrive.

    The more our emergency system is activated, the more sensitive it will become to triggers and the harder it becomes to shut off. We end up feeling on a hair trigger, chronically stressed and overwhelmed.

    Over time chronic stress has negative effects on both mental and physical health. Prolonged high levels of cortisol can lead to harmful effects on our overall health causing symptoms such as:

    • Compromised immune system

    • Difficulty falling asleep and insomnia

    • Feeling exhausted and fatigued throughout the day

    • Struggling to wakeup

    • Substance dependency (coffee, tea, alcohol, cigarettes, drugs etc.)

    • Brain fog
    • Dizziness
    • Nausea and digestive tract issues, low appetite
    • Increased craving for sugar and/or salt
    • Unexplained weight gain/loss

    • Unexplained hair loss

    • Low blood pressure
    • Increased risk of cardiac events (heart attack, stroke)
    • Increased ageing process
    • Vulnerability to mental health issues (anxiety, depression)

    Life style matters

    The Romans knew, mens sana in corpore sano – a healthy mind lives in a healthy body.

    Most of the time problems caused by prolonged stress can be improved by lifestyle changes. In particular, consider making more balanced choices if you find yourself:

    • Regularly over working under high pressure
    • Regularly over exercising (frequent injuries)
    • In a sedentary job (under exercising) 
    • Experiencing gut issues (inflammation, sugar, fat, excessive dieting)

    Regular physical exericse and a balanced diet help us relax and counteract stress. If you find yourself stuck in stress cycles on a trajectory to burnout, and struggle to decide what changes to make, it’s time to update your stress management strategies! Come talk to a professional who can assist you in discovering ways to better deal with stress, and help you gain insight into the behavioural and relational patterns that trigger stress and overwhelm for you enabling you to make different choices. 

    If you would like to find out more about how lifestyle changes can increase your stress resilience, schedule an inquiry call today!

     

    by Veronika Kloucek, MA MBACP UKCP YAP accr., Integrative Psychotherapist & Counsellor 

    • R.A.I.N. calms me down

      R.A.I.N. calms me down

      Are you struggling with stress, anxiety, and sometimes overwhelm? Try this brief practice to help calm yourself down and transform difficult emotions by expanding your awareness.

      The term R.A.I.N. was first coined about 20 years ago by Michelle McDonald. Below is an adaptation based on and for the most part using the words of the renown mindfulness teachers Tara Brach and Jack Kornfield.

      R.A.I.N. stands for Recognition, Acceptance, Investigation and Non-Identification. It echoes, as Jack Kornfield writes, “the Zen poets who tell us ‘the rain falls equally on all things.’”

       

      R         Recognize what is going on

      Recognising means consciously acknowledging, in any given moment, the thoughts, feelings and behaviours that are affecting us.

      You can awaken recognition simply by asking yourself: “What is happening inside me right now?” Call on your natural curiosity as you focus inward. Try to let go of any preconceived ideas and instead listen in a kind, receptive way to your body and heart, and bring awareness to whatever thoughts, emotions, feelings, or sensations are arising right here and now.

      Common signs of that we are caught up in experience include a critical inner voice, feelings of shame or fear, the squeeze of anxiety or the weight of depression in the body.

       

      A         Allow the experience to be there, just as it is

      Allowing means letting the thoughts, emotions, feelings or sensations you have recognised simply be there.

      You may notice one of three ways that you react to unpleasant experience: by piling on the judgment; by numbing ourselves to our feelings; or by focussing your attention elsewhere. For example, we might have the sinking, shameful feeling of having been too harsh with someone. But rather than allowing that feeling, we might blame our partner for something, worry about something completely different, or decide it’s time for a nap. We’re resisting the unpleasantness of the feeling by withdrawing from the present moment.

      However, as you become more willing to be present with what is, a different quality of attention will emerge. Allowing is intrinsic to healing, and realizing this can give rise to a conscious intention to let be; to accept things as they are.

       

      I          Investigate with kindness

      Investigation means calling on your natural curiosity, the desire to know truth, and directing a more focused attention to your present experience.

      Investigation adds a more active and pointed kind of inquiry to what has been recognised previously. Questions that can help your investigation are: “What most wants attention?” “How am I experiencing this in my body?” “What am I believing?” “What does this feeling want from me?”

      Investigation makes space for deeper levels of your experience to surface. The more warm and gentle welcome we can provide for whatever arises, the more hidden or perhaps defended places will emerge. Investigation asks for a compassionate, kind and open-hearted approach towards experience.

      Without this heart energy, investigation does not feel safe. Investigation with kindness allows us to connect with our suffering and to respond by offering care to our own heart.

       

      N         Natural Awareness – not-identifying with the experience

      The first three steps of RAIN require some intentional activity. In contrast, natural awareness allows us to realise the liberating homecoming to our true nature beyond the activity of the mind.

      There is nothing to do for this last part; we simply rest in natural awareness. You may experience this as a sense of warmth and openness, a shift in perspective. You can trust this!

      A metaphor that sometimes helps is to think about the sky. It is always there, always blue. Sometimes we only see the clouds that cover up the sky, they may be stormy or just little white clouds. We forget that beyond the clouds the sky is always there, always blue. Like the blue sky, natural awareness is always there.

      To develop this practice it takes time, commitment, patience, kindness and trust.

       

      Learning takes place only in a mind that is innocent and vulnerable., Krishnamurti

       

      For those familiar with informal mindfulness practices, R.A.I.N. is similar to the STOP exercise but differs in that it goes beyond a pause encouraging gentle investigation into what is happening inside.

       

      Reference:

      Jack Kornfield, 2007, Doing the Practice: http://www.jackkornfield.com/articles/dharmaandpolitics.phpTara Brach, 2014, Feeling Overwhelmed? Remember “RAIN”: http://www.mindful.org/tara-brach-rain-mindfulness-practice/

       

    • 5 Tips to Overcoming Imposter Syndrome

      5 Tips to Overcoming Imposter Syndrome

      Do you feel undeserving of your promotion? Want to run when people put you in the spotlight for your achievements? Do you feel like a fraud? Do you wonder what people are seeing in you, and that you must have just gotten lucky to be here…

      What is Imposter Syndrome?

      Imposter syndrome is common among male and female high achievers who find it difficult to accept their accomplishment. Studies suggest that about 70-82 percent of adults may experience the Imposter Phenomenon at least once in their lifetime.

      Feeling like an imposter poses a conflict between how you perceive others view you and your own self-perception. Despite being awarded for your achievements, you find it difficult to accept your success and whilst you put it down to luck and timing, you believe it was all a great mistake and worry that people will soon find out.

      This lands you in a vicious cycle. You now work even harder to:

      • Deflect from your failures and shortcomings
      • Overcompensate for what you consider your lack of intelligence
      • Overachieve and get promotions that you don’t believe you deserve
      • Struggle with guilt feeling like you have tricked people

      Unfortunately, conversations about difficult feelings rarely form part of career development discussions so remain overlooked. With the right help, overcoming Imposter Syndrome is possible.

      Is Imposter Syndrome a psychiatric condition?

      Imposter Syndrome is not a psychiatric diagnosis. It is an intellectual pattern of self-doubt that effects men and women equally. Frequently imposter syndrome coexists with anxiety and stress. When opportunities are missed out as a result, it may also lead to depression.

      In particular people with ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) can find themselves in a tricky situation as it is often really hard for them to feel good enough on the inside.

      What triggers imposter syndrome?

      Many situations and circumstances can fuel a sense of being a fraud. Imposter syndrome is often triggered in relation to success when attention is called to your achievement as well as when you experience a setback after a period of success.

      When a particularly painful feeling occurs in the present that connects unconsciously to a prior wound, we can end up acting out maladaptive patterns that aim to avoid touching this pain again at any cost. In the process we end up harming ourselves even worse with cruel, punishing, self-critical thoughts that have a negative effect on our physical and mental health.

      Phony feelings are common for everybody at some point. However, not being able to overcome and resolve these feelings can lead to some damaging habits as a result.

      Are women more effected than men?

      The concept of “imposter phenomenon” was first used in the 1978 by Psychologists Pauline Rose Clance and Suzanne Imes. They observed high-achieving women and suggested that “despite outstanding academic and professional accomplishments, women who experience the imposter phenomenon persist in believing that they are really not bright and have fooled anyone who thinks otherwise.”

      They noted that early messages appear to have an impact in creating a conflicting mindset where ‘sensitive’ women are favoured over successful or independent women, who are viewed as “hostile and destructive force within society” (Margaret Mead, 1949).

      Arguably, this is a sexist outdated world view, but core believes are often implicitly handed down in the family and community through generations. Growing up as a girl or boy being frequently criticised for unintended mistakes takes a toll on self-worth. Lacking role models, male or female, compounded by repeated questioning of our competence, capabilities, and leadership style continues to fuel a fraudulent sense of self.

      How to overcome Imposter Syndrome?

      Breaking out and overcoming imposter syndrome is not easy but possible.

      1. Speaking up is the first step. Chose a trusted person and dare to be courageous and authentic bringing to light what you would rather hide away. Very likely you will discover that nobody else thinks of you as awful as you do.

      2. When your feelings overwhelm you, it can seem as if you are the feeling. Remember that feelings and thoughts are not facts. Double check the facts.

      3. As one of my teachers put it once, learning to fail graciously is the most important skill if you want to be successful. A tough one. As perfectly imperfect human beings we all make mistakes and can feel a little fraudulent at times. Recognise how a moment of feeling fraudulent feels like, and train your awareness to stop yourself from spiralling into anxiety, shame or punitive self-criticism.

      4. Create new healthy habits and thinking patterns. Review how you respond to making mistakes and what standards you ask from yourself and others. Over time, work with discipline towards replacing unhelpful, self-critical with realistic and kind thinking patterns and behaviour.

      5. Persist, even when self-doubt and anxiety make this endeavour seemingly futile. Create a track record tapping into your brain’s reward system as your most powerful ally. At the end of the day learn to journal about your everyday achievements in spite you rather this rather cringeworthy, a wast of time, or not finding anything worth mentioning. A brief note about something mundane or small will do.

      What support is available?

      If this article resonates with you and you would like to find out more for yourself or your organisation about how we can help you overcome imposter syndrome, schedule a confidential enquiry call today! Veronika Kloucek, Senior Psychotherapist, Trainer, Coach  

      References:

      Bravata, D. M., Watts, S. A., Keefer, A. L., Madhusudhan, D. K., Taylor, K. T., Clark, D. M., Nelson, R. S., Cokley, K. O., & Hagg, H. K. (2020). Prevalence, Predictors, and Treatment of Impostor Syndrome: a Systematic Review. Journal of general internal medicine, 35(4), 1252 to 1275. [online available: https://doi.org/10.1007/s11606-019-05364-1]

      Clance P.R., Imes S.,  (1978) “The Imposter Phenomenon in High Achieving Women: Dynamics and Therapeutic Intervention”, Psychotherapy Theory, Research and Practice Volume 15(3) [online available: https://d32ogoqmya1dw8.cloudfront.net/files/earth_rendezvous/2020/program/afternoon_workshops/clance_imes_imposter_syndrome_15940560361372241715.pdf]

      Mak Karina K. L., Kleitman S., Abbott Maree J. (2019), Impostor Phenomenon Measurement Scales: A Systematic Review. Frontiers in Psychology (10), [online available: https://www.frontiersin.org/article/10.3389/fpsyg.2019.00671]

      Sakulku J., Alexander J. (2011) “The Imposter Phenomenon”, International Journal of Behavioral Science 2011, Vol. 6, No.1, 75-97 [online available: https://so06.tci-thaijo.org/index.php/IJBS/article/view/521/pdf]

    • Effects of the Pandemic on the Legal Profession

      Effects of the Pandemic on the Legal Profession

      Working in the legal profession requires a high stress resilience because of the challenges build into the inherently conflict-driven nature of the business.

      Often an ‘always-on’ work culture coupled with high performance expectations can exacerbate stress, especially when there is a predisposition for anxiety, depression, or mood fluctuations.

      Added pressure comes from ongoing time constraints and deadlines; dealing with challenging personalities (junior and senior colleagues, partners, clients); fear of appearing weak; and the weight of responsibility that arises when stakes are high. As a result, energy resources can get depleted quickly, especially when natural healthy coping mechanism are neglected with a ‘I’ll deal with this later’ attitude.

      How has the pandemic impacted the legal sector?

      Already pre-pandemic stress-related problems were commonplace in the legal profession. These included: burnout, insomnia, anxiety, depression, perfectionism, imposter syndrome, addictions, and physiological diseases such as coronary diseases, digestive system issues, and skin disorders.

      Contrary to the claim ‘We are all in this together’, the pandemic has affected certain groups a lot more than others. For some working from home temporary relieved pre-existing issues, for others it compounded them or raised new problems.

      For example, research in the UK legal profession shows working from home has been welcome mostly by more experienced lawyers, whilst more junior staff reported significant difficulties relating to the lack of mentoring and socialising opportunities.

      Another UK study conducted by the Law Society revealed a serious impact on the morale and wellbeing of lawyers. Around 75% of law firm staff who switched to homeworking are experiencing feelings of isolation, lack of motivation, and issues around communication.

      What can individuals do to improve their situation?

      Depending on the difficulties you experience, restoring a healthy work-life balance is usually the most important starting point. This can include taking short breaks from the desk or rethinking the ways of decompressing on a regular basis. There are several apps available that help inspire and achieve regular exercise or meditation for example.

      From a biological point of view, we are social animals. With this understanding the importance of connection is self-evident. Ideally, you connect with people outside of work to allow for time to get some distance and regain perspective. Relationships with family and friends improve when you develop a discipline of leaving the ‘inner lawyer’ at the (home)office.

      If there is professional support available at the firm it may be sensible to reach out. That’s what an in-house counselling service is here for. Most importantly, whatever you choose to do, do it!

      What is an In-house counselling service?

      In-house counselling is a confidential service provided by your firm and arranged directly between you and the counsellor. It provides therapeutically informed support for staff experiencing difficulties.

      A collaborative endeavour, in-house counselling is tailored to the client’s needs. Using an integrative model to episodic treatment, it combines traditional theories with a solution focussed, pragmatic approach and a holistic view.

      The aim is to help you feel empowered and good about yourself and about what you do, and to excel and have excellent working relationships with colleagues.

      If you would like to know more or arrange a meeting with us to discuss how we can help you, please send us an email to hello@veronikakloucek.com.

       

       

      Sources:
      Law Society UK: https://www.lawsociety.org.uk/en/topics/small-firms/mental-health-of-lawyers-and-covid-19
      Financial Times: https://www.ft.com/content/24428ce4-a99c-11ea-abfc-5d8dc4dd86f9
      Forbes Business Council: https://www.forbes.com/sites/forbesbusinesscouncil/2021/11/08/the-effects-of-the-pandemic-on-the-legal-industry/?sh=fe4da1c7f77a
      Royal Society for Public Health: https://www.rsph.org.uk/about-us/news/survey-reveals-the-mental-and-physical-health-impacts-of-home-working-during-covid-19.html

    • 7/11 Breathing Technique

      7/11 Breathing Technique

      The 7/11 technique is a breathing exercise whereby you breathe in for a count of 7 and out for a count 11. It is used to help alleviate and overcome symptoms of anxiety and stress. A simple yet powerful technique that facilitates relaxation helping you to regain composure.

      Emotional intensity

      When we experience powerful emotions, such as fear or anxiety, our brain changes from the way it usually works because it perceives a threat of some sorts. Intense emotions narrow the focus of our attention zooming in on whatever we perceive as threat in front of us. This means, we lose sight of the bigger picture. Parallel, our thoughts are polarised meaning we see things only as black or white, good or bad. We miss the shades of grey, the middle ground. It is a natural process that we know as our fight or flight response when our SNS, Sympathetic Nervous System is activated.

      When we are under actual threat, we need our brain to narrow down and react quickly.

      However, when our brain appraises a situation as psychological or emotional threat this can also lead us down an unfortunate route. It is important to remember that when we are in this state, we have limited access to the full power of our thinking capacity, which we might need to solve a problem at hand.

      All strong emotions such as fear and anxiety but also love, excitement, frustration, anger, and disgust have this very specific effect on the way that our brain works.

      Why breathing

      All breathing techniques have in common that they work by stimulating the PNS, Parasympathetic Nervous System; this is the branch of our nervous system that is activated when we relax; rest and digest. Exhalation decreases our blood pressure, slows our heart rate and dilates our pupils, lowering emotional arousal in the process.

      Think about the pattern of breathing when we sing: We take a fairly short inhale and an elongated exhale. The same principle applies for example in the Ujiayi-breathing technique in yoga and, less healthily, when smoking.

      This breathing sends a message to our brain that there is no immediate threat in turn calming our emotional arousal.

      How to do 7/11 breathing

      1)   Breathe in for a count of 7 (it doesn’t have to be 7 seconds)

      2)   Breathe out for a count of 11

      3)   Continue for 5-10 minutes, ideally longer

      Ideally, try and use your diaphragm when you are breathing, i.e. do deep belly breaths. This will move your diaphragm down and push your stomach out as you take in a breath.

      If you find counting 7/11 is too difficult, you can try with 3/5. The ratio of your inhalation to exhalation is what matters not the numbers per se.

      You can close your eyes and listen to music whilst practicing to help your relaxation. If you find your mind is very busy, try counting out loud to distract. This should help take your mind off your immediate concerns.

      The 7/11 breathing technique has been around for thousands of years. As a psychotherapist, I have used it myself and to help hundreds of people alleviate and overcome panic, anxiety and stress.

       

      by Veronika Kloucek, MA MBACP UKCP YAP accr., Integrative Psychotherapist & Counsellor 

    • Bullying in Organisations

      Bullying in Organisations

      Bullying, sometimes mobbing (German: Tyrannisieren), is a widespread issue in the workplace. It can occur at any level and in various forms.

      Sometimes bullying is dismissed and downplayed as a commonplace issue, such as a personality clash, a particular leadership style, character-building, or even as provoked behaviour. However, it is crucial to differentiate between legitimate constructive criticism or work monitoring – when done objectively and constructively – and bullying actions that intend to intimidate, threaten, humiliate, or unjustly single out an individual.

       

      Who Bullies?

      People who bully others may either be unaware of their behaviour or, worse do it intentionally to lift themselves up by putting others down. Common forms of bullying behaviour include: 

      • Intimidation: Social exclusion, threats, spying, or other invasions of privacy.
      • Retaliation: Accusations of lying about being bullied.
      • Verbal Abuse: Racial or discriminatory slurs, mockery, humiliation, jokes, and gossip.
      • Work Performance Sabotage: Wrongful blame, idea theft, interference.
      • Institutional Bullying: When an organisation accepts, allows, or even encourages bullying through unrealistic goal setting, forcing overtime, or excluding those who can’t keep up.

       Bullying occurs at all levels. According to the Workplace Bullying Institute (2021), men make up the majority of bullies (67%) and slightly more than half of the targets (51%). Women are twice as likely to bully other women than men.

      Most bullying (65%) is top-down, with bosses as the primary source, followed by co-workers (21%). Notably, 43.2% of remote workers report being bullied most often in virtual meetings rather than via email. If you’re targeted by bullying, there’s a 67% chance you may lose your job.

       

      Are You Being Bullied?

      Ask yourself these questions: 

      • Are you micro-managed and doubted in your ability to do your job without reason?
      • Are you repeatedly being insulted, yelled at, or aggressively shouted at?
      • Are your job specifications and targets constantly changing?
      • Are you being blamed for things beyond your control?
      • Are you frequently ridiculed or criticised?
      • Are you the target of an ongoing office joke or derogatory comments?
      • Are you being given the ‘silent treatment’?

      Here’s an example: 

      “On my first day at this firm my supervisor told me ‘I am going to break you’. I thought it was a joke, but she kept her promise. Week after week I found myself working long hours and weekends. I felt utterly overwhelmed with the enormous amount of work that she gave me, much of which was beyond my skill-level so that I started second-guessing my competence and confidence. Although she was very knowledgeable and could be very nice and helpful, you never knew which side to expect from her. It could quickly turn into public shaming in meetings when my opinion wasn’t what she wanted to hear. It made me sick to my stomach and I dreaded coming into work. Eventually I was signed off work with anxiety and depression.”

       

      What Are The Effects of Bullying?

      Bullying can be subtle or overt, but it is always distressing for the individual. It can impact mental health and wellbeing far beyond the office. Symptoms may include:

      • Feeling sick or dreading work
      • Trouble waking up or getting good sleep
      • Self-doubt, low self-esteem, and constant worry about work
      • Losing interest in activities you usually enjoy
      • Experiencing suicidal thoughts, depression, or anxiety
      • Physical symptoms like digestive issues or high blood pressure
      • Increased risk of type 2 diabetes

       

      What Is the Cost of Bullying for the Organisation?

      Bullying has serious consequence for businesses, including financial losses from legal costs or internal investigations. It also leads to decreased morale and productivity among staff, along with higher absenteeism and turnover rates. When bullying is not addressed, it can become systemic, making it increasingly difficult to tackle over time.

       

      Bullying vs. Harassment: What’s the Difference?

      Both, bullying and harassment involve behaviour that makes someone feel intimidated, threatened, humiliated, or anxious. However, harassment is specifically related to actions toward a protected group under the Equality Act 2010 and is unlawful. Harassment can be based on age, sex, disability, gender reassignment, marriage and civil partnership, pregnancy and maternity, race, religion or belief, sexual orientation.

       

      Good Practice

      To protect employees and the business, it’s essential to have detailed HR policies on bullying and behaviour in the workplace. These policies should be applied at every level of management and clearly communicated to all staff. Complaints about bullying must be taken seriously, and management should work together with individuals to find solutions.

      Many successful organisations also rely on external support, such as therapists, to equip individuals with strategies to cope with bullying an to provide advice on HR policies.

       

       

      Resource:

      Workplace Bullying Institute, https://workplacebullying.org/2021-wbi-survey/

    • In-house Counselling Service

      In-house Counselling Service

      We support businesses with confidential Staff Counselling Services, Resilience Seminars, and HR support.

      Having worked in the corporate world ourselves, we know in our own skin of the pressures and stress that can arise from trying to meet expectations and maintaining a good work-life balance. We work with organisations of all sizes and shapes, helping staff across the board from business leaders to administration.

      In-House Counselling accompanying PMI

      Private medical insurance is for many employees a determining factor in deciding between companies during a career change. However, when it comes to mental health support PMI’s often fall short. Restrictions and limitation to access are often revealed when most needed leaving employees with very limited support in dire times and companies with unhappy, less resourceful staff. 

      In situations where motivation is low and pressure is high, difficulties are most effectively addressed with an approach that combines a solution focus with a relational exploration. Recent adaptations of the NICE (National Institute for Clinical Excellence) guidelines have taken this need into account to include evidence-based relational therapies.

      We offer bespoke and confidential one-to-one online Counselling sessions that integrate these approaches to help individuals address their situation. We also offer specifically developed Stress Resilience programs that are based on the hugely popular Mindfulness-based Stress Reduction program (MBSR) which has been proven successful over the last 30 years with individuals and corporates across the world.

      We help companies to maintain a happy and fulfilling workplace and individuals to feel empowered and good about themselves, and to excel and have excellent working relationships with colleagues.

      And we look forward to hearing from you with your enquiry!